They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Jul 13, 2008

Copenhagen Jerk!

This next post is a test, and just a little bit of a preview of what is to come.  We all already know that anytime you put a bunch of soldiers in one place together for long periods of time, and cut them off from the rest of the world, and all those influences in our lives, (mothers, girlfriends, booze, drugs, and what-not) that keep us on an even keel, some very strange things are going to happen.  I mean we have already determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that this year long deployment to Afghanistan is going to turn into nothing more than one, very long, very protracted, very bad gay joke.

Anyway, I am going to tell you a story.  A story about one of my nearest and dearest friends, a man I have the unfortunate pleasure of having shook hands with. (An unfortunate thing for reasons that will become clear after you hear the story.)  Anyway, this man is the kind of guy that you would trust your wife with.  The kind of guy that I would choose to godfather my kids.  (DUI's, solicitation arrests and all)  I love this man as much as a straight man could possibly love another man.

So here is the story...He enjoys masturbation, A LOT.  I would go so far as to say he is addicted to masturbation, or at least he was at the time.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, if you have ever been in the service you know that masturbating is a daily event.  (If not more often than that.)  So like any addiction, in order to achieve the same exhilaration from the event you have to get more and more.  Now since there is really no way to get more from the event, I mean you could do it 10 times a day, but we all know that sooner or later you would pull the damn cap off the thing and that is no good.  So my buddy turned to other means to increase his enjoyment.  He turned to Copenhagen snuff and baby oil, along with a nice private room and his favorite pornography.  And he would commence what I like to call the ritual.  The ritual follows the following steps.
  1. Place pornography into VCR, DVD player or whatever other conduit of electronic entertainment you are using.
  2. Remove all clothing.
  3. Place seat no further than 6 feet and no closer that 3 feet from viewing device.
  4. Sit in seat.
  5. Remove 1/2 of Copenhagen from container tin, and place between bottom lip and gums.
  6. Begin chew. (Wait for tobacco to take effect, hopefully a somewhat light headed feeling is most desireable.)
  7. Completely and disturbingly coat right hand and area to be manipulated with baby oil.
  8. Place baby oil in an easily accessible place, as more may be needed depending on length of event.
  9. Press play on remote control of electronic viewing device WITH LEFT HAND.
  10. Watch for at least 3-5 minutes to achieve maximum arousal, and to allow more time for tobacco to take effect.
  11. Begin manipulating area in a slow and controlled manner in order to assist in achieving maximum arousal.
  12. When maximum arousal, and tobacco are both in effect, increase manipulation speed.
  13. Keep increasing manipulation speed until climax.
  14. Kick yourself for forgetting the damn towel to clean this shit up with.
  15. Run to the bathroom butt ass naked and get a towel.
  16. Clean up your mess and pray to god your wife does not return while you are treating your body like an amusement park.
  17. Return yourself to normal operational posture by reversing all the steps listed here.
  18. Smile, and have yourself a brew...
This is what he did, no bullshit, I never actually saw it, but I saw his barracks room after one of these had been performed and prior to him cleaning up.  So be warned, these are the kind of crazy mothers that populate the Army, and these are the kind of people that I like to hang out with. do you see why it is unfortunate that I shook this man's hand?



  1. Well put Dan, but you forgot the very first step. About 45 minutes prior to putting the porn in I would take a hand full of Ephedra.


  2. Alright "Big" J!!! Glad it's your hand!!

  3. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.