There is a song performed by a band called "Suede", called "The Next Life" and I just started listening to it. The problem with me is this, sometimes we all do this, but I do it on a fairly regular basis. I start thinking about the wrong things.
Things you should never let enter your mind. Why? Because they will only do one thing, and that is fuck up your head and make it impossible for you to focus on the task at hand.
My task at hand is simple. Survive the next year and get home to my family and the rest of my life. Unfortunately for me, I have been thinking quite a bit about death lately. Not my own so much, but everyone else's. I look around and I can't help but wonder...
Who's it gonna be? Who is not going home this time? Is it him...or her...or him...or him...or that guy...or that girl? Which one of our parents is getting that letter. Which one will it be?
I am trying so very hard to put this shit out of my head. I wonder if everyone else wonders about this kind of stuff too, or are they smart enough to just not worry about it and focus on what they are doing and get through this?
It's funny, I haven't even left the states yet. How jacked up am I gonna be when we are in country? Am I a coward? Will these thoughts pass?
Once again, a million questions, and not a single answer.
I wonder if I am still cut out for this? Have I passed my prime and am not of any use anymore?
I know deep down that none of this is anything that I should worry about. I know that I can do this job, and I can do it well. I have been trained, I am ready, and if at anytime the Taliban decide to come dance with me they will be meeting their 72 virgins just a little bit sooner than expected.
But that doesn't change the things running through my brain at a million miles per hour for every minute of every day that I am awake. Thankfully, all I think about while I am asleep is sex.
But its funny how fast your mind, or in actuality, my mind can change. Just ask my ex-wife. Now I feel OK. Nothings changed but it doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe its just because I got it out here onto this "paper" and got that bullshit off my chest.
I'll leave you with two maxims.
Fuck the bullshit.
Its all bullshit...