So I went out to the field for an overnighter. Not a big deal really, except for the fact that when you cannot bathe yourself in any real way and you spend 36 hours sweating profusely and running around with 50 pounds on your back and what not, you start to smell really bad. I mean when you can smell yourself you know its bad.
Next thing I would like to say is (and this may sound a little arrogant) as my readership grows, I would like everyone to know that regardless of how much pissing and moaning I do about the military, I love this country with an unboundless passion. So now that I have got that out the way...
I figured that I needed to start introducing everyone to those soldiers, NCO's and Officers around me. You know so you can have an accurate picture of the funky hodgepodge of personalities and characters I have around me.
First we have the soldiers. All ranks are actual ranks, but the names are all aliases to protect the innocent and the guilty.
1. PVT Pigpen: We call him that because about the same time a girl in our unit came up with a rash, so did he. And she is a dirty, so he became pigpen.
2. Ole' Red (SGT): My team leader, a good man, pretty goofy and a little twisted but all around a good soldier. Looks like a hobbit. The Ole' Red comes from his disturbingly red hair.
3. General Lee (SPC): My driver, a hillbilly from Southern Illinois, he loves the civil war and is a huge fan of Robert E. Lee, hence the moniker, General Lee.
4. Token (SPC): The only black guy in the squad. One of the funnier dudes around. Manages to integrate himself into the most lilly white unit in the entire army without much trouble. Works as a DJ and loves to give the honky's shit.
5. Stoner (SPC): Gained his nickname due to the fact that it actually is his name (permission granted by him) and the fact that he just seems to be walking around in a drug induced haze every minute of the day.
6. [I really hate myself for what I am doing right now, but I have to delete this due to concerns over disciplinary action. It doesn't change that I meant every word I said about this person but they have a lot more rank than I do and they could make my life really suck.]
8. Francis (SPC): A reference to the movie "Stripes" Remember the guy who said, "any of you homo's go touching me and I'll kill ya" Well that guy's kid is here in my unit. He is the most uptight overbearing asshole on the planet. I am currently contemplating ways to shove a lump of coal up his ass so that by the time this deployment is over I'll have a large diamond.
I'll add others as I think of names that they have earned. But on to the douchebaggery, or as the army likes to call it training.
So there is an old saying in the Army, "Hurry up and wait". Basically referring to the Army's uncanny knack for making you get up really early, and move really fast to a training area or whatever and when you get there they make you sit around for hours while some minor logistical issue or what not is sorted out.
So when this happens soldiers are forced to come up with really stupid ways of entertaining themselves for hours on end. And here is some of the stuff we have come up with. (Spades is being left out, everyone knows that soldiers play spades like prison inmates)
1. The name game: Players-infinite, How to play: first person names a famous person, next person takes the first letter of the person's last name and names a famous person with a first name beginning with that letter and so on down the line. Yeah, we really do this in a big circle like camp fire girls singing Kum by yah.
2. The List: Each person names off the top five celebrities of the opposite sex they would most like to have "relations" with. The only wrinkle in the game being that at the end every player must name the celebrity of the same gender that they would have "relations" with if forced to do so. (Hugh Grant, at least then I can be the man)(Oh, Lord, My mom is going to read that)
I'll add more of the goofy shit that we do, as we do more goofy shit. We haven't left the country yet so things haven't gotten too far out of control yet. I mean besides the "gay chicken" but thats a story for another time.
Well I got to bail because besides the sox playoff game being tonight, I have guard duty from 0100-0330 tonight. God I hate my life...
But I love you mom...