They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...


These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Oct 27, 2008

And Now I'm Back, But Don't Worry The Dog Is Used To It...

Well this truly sucks. I got back to Fort Bragg about 2330 last night. I tried to put it off for as long as was humanly possible. I didn't want to come back here at all.

I had a good week of leave to say the least. I spent entirely too much money, I drank entirely too much booze, and ate entirely too much food. But at least it was good food, the booze is always wonderful, and the money...well it's just money, I'll make more.

So now it really begins. I have said that a few times before but it didn't really carry the urgency that it does now. In a few days we are leaving for a war zone. A war zone that will be my home for quite a while. But whatever, It is what it is, and I have to do what I have to do.

That, and I got to do the whole tearful goodbye thing, AGAIN!!! That's like the third fucking time. But I have to thank the mom for not making it that hard on me. She kept the water works to a minimum at least while I was around. Good looking out Mom!

Needless to say this little homecoming (if you can call this a home) is bittersweet. Its good to see all the guys, but it sucks that I am back at Bragg and on my way to Afghanistan. But hey, I signed the contract so I don't have any room to bitch. But I am going to do it anyways.

So what did I do on leave? Well Missy, I did visit one of those "clubs" and I spent a, how shall I put this? SHIT TON OF MONEY. At least one nice young lady is not going to have to worry about tuition for "nursing school" next semester.

I don't really know how I feel about all of this. There is a part of me that sees this as the next grand adventure in this totally fucked up ride that I refer to as "my life". Then there is the other side of me that thinks, this is easily the dumbest thing I have ever done.

Oh wait. I got to see pigpen again last night, and he shared with me a little story that made me laugh. I am going to tell the story in reverse. We begin our tale with the last line...

A nice young lady says to me, "Don't worry the dog is used to it"

So Pigpen corners me last night, and sits down on the corner of my bed and tells me that he has a story he wants to tell.

So he went on pass 4 days prior to the rest of us, because he was one of the bags o' douche that volunteered to guard all of our shit while we were gone on leave. So he went out there into Fayetteville and found himself a nice young lady with whom to spend his time.

So on one particular evening he was out imbibing large amounts of sex appeal in a glass, and he went back to this young lady's place of residence and played a few drinking games with her. Now after a bit of that she passed out on her bedroom floor, or seemed to have passed out on her bedroom floor. So pigpen, even though he is a dirty little shit, is a gentleman, and he proceeded to help the nice young lass into her bed by picking her up and placing her into her bed and tucking her in.

She thanked him by reaching out and grabbing the daddy button. Now I will spare you all the gory details, but suffice it to say, the young man performed admirably. Or so he says.

Later in the morning after everyone had slept for a few hours. She awoke and was still in the mood. She, in her ignorance of who Pigpen is, challenged his libido! Now, and rightly so, Pigpen felt compelled to defend himself. And in his zeal to defend himself Pigpen became what some might refer to as...an animal.

And he proceeded to...do his thing, and shake the foundations of this girls home. While mid coitus, he noticed that this girl's little dog, who was currently located underneath the altar o' love called the bed, was yelping uncontrollably as Pigpen did his thing.

In his concern over the state of the dog, he said, "I feel sorry for the dog". Now this nice young lady with whom Pigpen had had such a wonderful evening and morning, whom he drank and ate and played drinking games with, and whom Pigpen thought so highly of stated, "Don't worry, the dog's used to it."

Now if that ain't the greatest answer to a question ever, I don't know what the hell is.

Also, forgive me for telling such a graphic story I hope that I didn't offend anyone, I just thought that was hilarious.

So I am back, everything is cool, and I hope to have a million more funny stories to tell soon. Right now I will refrain from telling my own due to the fact that my wonderful and loving mother is in the process of reading my entire blog. Oh Joy.

Anyways, be good.

I love you mom...

6 comments:

  1. Dear Mud Puppy:

    I suppose welcome back is not the best response - so I will say thanks for coming back! And as you well know there is a critical shortage of nurses in this country - so your taking an interest in philanthropic pursuits by sponsoring the education of nurses is admirable (in a form ;)

    Take care of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well that is me, ever the philanthropist.

    ReplyDelete
  3. How can we be sure pigpen really exists and you aren't just writing about yourself ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. functioning alcohlic says, Hey Mudpuppy make sure you bring pigpen up to the post! We can have another Eugene up there!

    ReplyDelete
  5. That was FUNNY. Never mind the graphics - that was funny. Keep writing. Love and thank you for doing what needs to be done. lorraine

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think it is wonderful that you took the time to find out that she intends to be a nurse and then made sure that she would have tuition. ROFLMAO....
    I will agree with Missy and say Welcome back is not the best response. But you were missed here in bloggy world.

    ReplyDelete