They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...


These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Jan 7, 2009

Two Balls Following A COCK...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 1801 hrs.

Yep that's right I was one of the testicles following the COCK today.

I love this because now I figured out a way to bitch and be funny at the same time, so come along with me won't you.

Like I told you we are the platoon that has to guard this joint now. So we only have to really work like 8 hours a day. Which is pretty much heavenly. I mean after the shit we have been through, only working 8 hours is paramount to being off. So we figured out a way that we could work the schedule so that we would only be actually working 2 out of every 4 days.

Sweet Mary Mother of God, and Jesus, Mary & Joseph and all the saints! Then our platoon daddy apparently went on his period today and decided that we were being lazy and needed to be introduced to the 7th level of suck!

So I was outside smoking a cigarette or as the Brits would say, "A Fag"

Side-note: When I was in Korea I got to work for a little bit with a British officer. One day he asked me to go outside with him and smoke a "fag” I was very young at the time and not as well read as I am now, so I only knew the American slang definition of "fag” So I didn't quite know what to say until he showed me a cigarette and explained it to me because at the time I thought he wanted to go outside and shoot a homosexual.

Back to my day, I was standing there smoking and from my three o'clock comes a booming, "Hey What are you doing?" Now bear in mind I had just awoken after having slept in two whole hours. It was 8 a.m. And anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not a morning person. I am cranky as a grizzly bear with a thorn in his paw.

So I reply, while staring directly at my cigarette and without looking to see to whom I am speaking, "I am fucking skiing!" Then I turn to see a rather pissed off E-7 staring at me. Well there you go again dip-shit, open mouth insert foot. So he says to me find your squad leader and get your uniform on we got some work to do. Oh joy, I actually manage a day off and I have managed to get it taken from me within 10 minutes of being out of bed.

So I go and get my uniform on, and tell everyone I can find to hide because Ram-boner is on the warpath this morning. You know the old adage, Out of sight, out of mind. It works around here because our platoon daddy has the attention span of a Ritalin laden 6 year old. Anyways, I get back out there and thankfully my squad leader was already there because I hadn't gone to get him yet.

Then we got into COCK formation. My squad leader and I functioning for all intents and purposes as the testicles while my platoon daddy assumed his rightful throne at the head of the formation as the COCK! And this cock dragged us around all over post all day long. Yep from about 0800 until 1500 he dragged us around in cock formation. Telling us all the myriad different ways we have been fucking up.

1. The trucks were dirty
2. The ammo was still in the trucks.
3. There are cigarette butts all over the FOB.
4. Everyone's rooms are filthy.
5. Your garbage can is dirty. (Not a joke)
6. There is dust on your furniture.
7. Why aren't all the trucks in line?
8. Why does it take so long to count ammunition?
9. Why haven't you vacuumed out the trucks?
10. Where are all the maintenance sheets on these trucks?

And on, and on and on he went. To the point where I was starting to feel as though I was going to start bleeding from the ears. So I have compiled a response sheet to the questions and concerns that he raised today. I am sharing them with you because I could not get a word in with this guy because he didn't shut up!

1. The trucks are dirty because WE ARE IN AFGHANISTAN!
2. The ammo is still in the trucks because the trucks are where the guns are! You know the two kind of go together.
3. Cigarette butts are all over the FOB because we just had an entire company of assholes from someplace else that don't care about throwing them around because they knew they wouldn't have to pick them up.
4. Everyone's rooms are filthy because, well first of all they aren't, but once again they are filthy because WE ARE IN FUCKING AFGHANISTAN.
5. My garbage is dirty because it is in fact garbage. If it were not dirty I would probably call it my "stuff".
6. There is dust on my furniture because there is dust on everything here. That is the only thing we have plenty of here. I am going to be digging dust out of my ass for six months after I leave this place. Get over it
7. The trucks aren't in line because you told us to get them fixed if they needed repairs. To which he responded, well then get them from maintenance. To which I replied, they aren't done yet. I know maintenance is good but they cannot fix six trucks overnight!
8. Why does it take so long to count ammunition? Because there is like 50,000 rounds lying all over this place and none of it is in the boxes anymore. So we have to count almost all of it individually. To which he inquires, why isn't it in the boxes anymore? BECAUSE WE HAD TO FUCKING SHOOT IT AT MR. TALIBAN MAN, AND IT DOESN'T SHOOT WELL FROM INSIDE THE BOX!!!
9. Why haven't you vacuumed the trucks? Are you kidding, the air here is thick with dust. I can see blowing out the air filter and shit, but actually vacuuming the inside of the truck? What are we worried about resale value?
10. Where are all the maintenance sheets? In maintenance where they belong, Sergeant Dick-bag!

So I continue along in COCK formation while he drags us this way and that to chew our asses over the littlest things. Some of which I didn't even know existed. For example, did you know that apparently E-7's are nauseated by the smell of febreeze? Yes, I had just given my room a nice saturation of febreeze in order to counteract the smell of kitty litter and ass that permeates our barracks. (The whole thing, not just my room) And he came into my room and started to gag. Whereas everyone else around complimented me on my room's smell being comparable to that of a French whore. And yes there are plenty of guys here who would know. I will let you decide whether or not you think I am included on that list.

For seven hours we marched around...two balls following a COCK. (I was the left nut) By the end of all of this I realized that we had made it to the 7th level of suck. I have yet to determine just how many levels of suck there really are. But it seems that on an almost daily basis they introduce us to a new level, which would actually put us on more like the 150th level of suck, but the 7th sounds so much better.

You see this is what happens when E-7's are bored. They come off their steroids and start to PMS. Well somebody get the Midol folks because I don't know how much more of this I can stand.

But everything got better when I got to chow and the cooks are nice enough to play music while we eat. Well luckily for me they played "Buttercup Baby" (I have no idea what the name of that song is) and my buddy "The Friendly Ghost" and I danced and sang a little bit. And that just brightened up my whole day.

So all is well that end's well, and I am done for now.

Later,

I love you mom...

5 comments:

  1. I'm thinking I should send you some endust and a swifter duster - LOL. And I thought I had high expectations - GOOD LORD! LOL We enjoy your blogs. Mr. & Mrs. Ghost :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mom was right. You need to write more funny stuff. My wife was rolling about answer no. 9 on the resale value of the truck. Personally I thought digging sand out of your butt six months after you leave was pretty good.

    So you like the classic, hmmm, I'll see what I can do.

    Pops

    ReplyDelete
  3. OH MY..you crack me up...Excellent post of your much joyous day. Stay Safe.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Gosh--shure brung back memories!

    1/3 the Army are heros who make it happen.
    1/3 the Army are just guys who do their jobs.
    1/3 the army are anal retentives who really should be shipped to somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
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