They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Feb 9, 2009

And With This, I Am Going Straight To Hell...

So in our never ending quest as soldiers to entertain ourselves in the midst of the almost constant boredom and silly tasks that is our deployment we find many ways to entertain ourselves.

Some of them are fun, some time consuming, some ridiculous and others are well... I don't know what they are so I submit the following for your judgment.

There are two people here. One is a guy. One is a girl. The guy, named after a city and a car, is a cute kid. (I am secure enough in my non-gayness to say so) He is 20 years old and has that little boy thing going for him. So a lot of the females around here would rate him pretty highly on their individual attractiveness scale.

On the other hand you have the girl. Now if I may be so bold, she is, mentally, a female version of Pigpen and I. She has most of the same proclivities toward vulgar humor, movies and music that we do. Not to mention she has the same sick and twisted desire to monkey around with people's minds. And if I do say so myself, she is the hottest girl on the FOB, I mean she is for real cute, not deployment goggles cute.

So the guy has a huge crush on this girl. Entirely understandable. However, she does not share his sentiments. But through several acts of subterfuge I have slowly but steadily convinced him that "maybe" just maybe she does share his feelings.

Now it has risen to another level. You see her mom knows my brother, so because of that and her unusual name and my need to email her mother and say thank you for giving her such a hilarious name we (her mom and I) corresponded via email a time or two. Nothing big, just a little note here and there. Now I tell her to say hi to her mom and what not. But by others in this company this has been taken to be much more than it really is. Now I have no choice due to my personality than to use their ignorance and have me some fun.

So one day, the guy in question asked me, "What is this email between you and her (the girl) mom everyone is talking about?" Which made me laugh on the inside; I mean these people need to get a hobby or something. Really, a couple of emails between her mom and I are actually worth talking about? But I saw my chance so I went with it.

I told him that her mom knew my brother and she emailed me to let me know about it and I emailed her back. Then I told him that her mom had told me that apparently "the girl" was corresponding with her mom telling her that there was a guy here that she really liked and wanted to get to know better, and apparently that guy was he.

He actually became visibly shaken. Like he had just been told that he had just won a Hooters restaurant. Which, for a split second made me feel a little bad for being such a horrible person, but I got over it. He then asked me a few more questions about it, which I gave very vague responses to. You know the kind of response that could be taken anyway that he wanted to take it. And he left me with a gem. With a very satisfied and self-confident look on his baby face he said, "Good to know, real good to know." And he left.

Now I realized that I had done this prior to getting her consent and cooperation. So I went straight down to her place of residence and told her all about it.

Part of me was expecting a response of, "You are such a &*((, why would you do that to the poor boy?" However, she laughed hysterically and agreed whole-heartedly to participate.

Now she is going to email her mom and tell her to send me something that reads similar to what I told him about the email and I am going to save this and have him read it. Kind of a, "Remember that email you asked me about, well here it is" thing.

Not to mention I have already put up a bit of graffiti in her barracks. I wrote above one of the seats that we use to watch movies her first name followed by his last name with a giant heart around it and an arrow through it. The plan for that piece of art being, some night we will all get together to watch a movie and we will pack the house with people to make sure that every seat but that one is taken up so when he gets there he will have no choice but to sit there and find his "future wife's" married name right above him. Hopefully, he will think that at one point or another she wrote that up there dreaming wistfully about their future together.

Now I already know this is incredibly childish. However, I am incredibly immature so it would stand to reason that I would do something incredibly childish, wouldn't it? I just don't know if something like this may destroy the young lads will to live when the whole thing comes crashing down on him.

I don't really think so. I think he will think its funny, however disappointed he might be. But, as I said, I submit this for your judgment prior to her and I proceeding with our diabolical plan...

I am done for now.


I love you mom...


  1. mudpuppy...from your description of this young man, my bottom buck is on the fact he may be gay. If anything, I believe your antics will bring him 'out'. It is a huge relief you are good with your 'manhood' therefore his hits on you, will only make better blog fodder down the road!
    Then again, I could be totally off base and this will simply be a practical joke, which should prove fun to play out! Besides, this stuff keeps you out of trouble....right?

    P.S. off topic, I am sending you an e-mail so keep an eye out!


  2. Mud Puppy,

    Man I am praying for you, really praying for you. This is soooooo bbbbaaaaddddd!!! I just can't understand why I am laughing my butt off! Even ABNMOMMA is laughing. She is probably praying for the both of us!

    I think AM is off on this one. My son had a ex-Quaker, 20 year old in his unit. Nice kid but man did they give him the raspberries. Finally got him drunk in Fayville and well someone had an extra $40.00 and you know how that went. Kid was mortified, transferred out when they came back from Iraq.

    Keep us posted


  3. HA!!! Don't forget about the Photoshops. Endless fun there.

  4. Hi Mud Puppy,
    Sounds like middle school. My good can come of these shenanigans. Pranking seems to be a big part of down time amongst the ranks of deployed soldiers, but, when it comes to matters of the heart I don't think this young soldier will find it funny. Especially when he finds out the female he has a crush on was "in on the joke." And yes, you might go straight to hell, so how about you repent your evil ways and stop now before it's too late. My old middle school wounds run deep. Have you ever been on the receiving end of a joke such as this?