Why the title? Because this post is going to be one of the few times where I go out of my way to make fun of the fairer sex. There are some times when women just piss me off, and tonight was one of those times.
Now first I will defend myself from the coming onslaught from the persons minus a penis reading this. I have said in the past that, despite my mother’s ideas to the contrary, I have no problems with females in the military, I couldn’t give a shit less, so long as they pull their weight. Here, for the most part, they do. I give them some shit about their promiscuity but truth be told I would be doing the same thing if women outnumbered men like 25 to 1. So as far as their jobs, I got no issues with them. I don’t give a shit one way or the other whether you are a girl or a boy, so long as you pull your weight, regardless of profession.
Here is what pisses me off. We were sitting in the chow hall tonight and there was some special on the TV about the Hooters Girls. Now we all know what this was. It was a bunch of 20 year old girls who have asses that you could bounce a quarter off of they are so tight. Bleach blond beautiful, prancing around in a bikini held together by dental floss. It is what it is. Now me personally, I didn’t really want to watch. Who the hell wants to torture themselves by watching all the shit that makes you miss home so much? So I sat with my back to the TV. I turned around a couple of times and was rudely reminded how much this country sucks compared to the states.
Now, what pissed me off? These two judgmental bitches that were sitting there watching in rapt attention the entire program. So you have one, an amazon, about six feet tall and about 215 lbs. She would probably have made a real good linebacker in high school. With the face to match. Then you have another, who looks like Yoda! I am not kidding, she looks like 5’7” of little green jedi master. She has the kind of ears that if you threw her off the roof, her ears would catch air and she would slowly, and safely float to the ground.
I was sitting in there quietly eating my dinner and being entertained by the guy sitting across from me as he watched this whole thing with a little bit of drool coming out the side of his mouth. That, and I got some chocolate cake for the first time in a while, so I was enjoying myself. Which is a rarity around here. But then it started.
These two nasty broads started making fun of all the girls on the TV. Now there is no way around it, the girls on the TV were beautiful. If they weren’t they wouldn’t be on TV, they would be sitting in a chow hall in southern Afghanistan making fun of the pretty girls. The next five minutes were filled with nothing but vitriol from these two.
“They are so fake!”
“Her hair is not naturally that color.”
“Oh really, you wanna be a nurse when you grow up.”
“I betcha she makes some good tips at Hooters, I wonder how it feels to have to walk around like that all day just to make some money.”
“I wonder what it’s like to have air between your ears.”
And on and on, nothing but bullshit.
Now let me illustrate for you the difference between most men, and women. You put two guys in the same situation, they are going to do one of two things. They are either going to watch and quietly think (not say) to themselves, “I wish I looked like that dude.” Or they are not going to watch because they don’t derive any pleasure from looking at dudes, or if they have the juice they are going to get up and change the channel. Those are about the only reactions you are going to get out of guys. Straight ones anyway.
Ladies, our fairer sex, what do they do? They find everything, every little imperfection, pounce on it and make fun of them for it. Why? Well the only thing I can come up with is that they are jealous as all hell. Because they know that back home these girls are going to find some guy who makes a shit ton of money who will be more than willing to take care of them, while they have to do all the things they have always had to do. These girls are treated differently than they are, and they hate them for that.
Now is it right that these girls on TV get treated better just because they are beautiful? Of course not, but that is the way that it is. I have neither the time nor the inclination to tackle a million years of social evolution. Not to mention, the whole evil personality that decides you are going to ridicule ever little thing on a girl that you don’t even know is real attractive. I have known plenty of girls in my life who were one step up from a dog’s ass as far as looks are concerned, but I loved them just the same because they were awesome in their personality’s.
So many things that women do make me laugh. I don’t know if I’ll ever quite get you guys. I suppose that if I ever started to get close then you would just change it so why bother. But I’ll tell you a few more that I find absolutely hilarious.
First, this one happened when I was a kid and going to the prom, and no mother it’s not the one about, “You’re lucky I’m using silverware at all.” I asked this one girl how long it took her to get ready. Turns out it was like a fucking week. Nails, hair, dress, make up, and all the rest of it. I asked if her boyfriend had said anything about it. She said he didn’t but she didn’t care because she didn’t get all dressed up for him, she got all dressed up to look better than all the other girls, and she had accomplished her mission. (If you ask me) So ladies, let’s be clear, most guys will tell you that you look nice because its expected, or maybe you do. However, we all know that so long as you aren’t going to a funeral in flannel pajamas and house shoes most guys could not care less. If they do care, they are probably not trying to get into your pants, they don’t want you to chase away all the boys they are going to try to get to come over to the dark side, if you catch my meaning. Most guys do in fact know that the whole getting dressed up thing is not about guys, we don’t care. It’s about being better than the other girls, and it doesn’t stop when you get older, all it gets is a little more subtle.
Second, try this one on for size. Guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jeans, work boots, and a flannel shirt. He sits down and drinks a domestic beer, quietly not bothering a soul. He spends some money and plays some music. Just stays to himself, maybe he sweetly makes some small talk with the pretty girl sitting nearby. Doesn’t come on too strong, just a little bullshit back and forth.
Another guy walks into the same bar wearing what looks to be a $1200 suit. He has the Italian shoes, well manicured fingernails, a nice tan, and the whole bit. Guy looks like a banker. He pulls out a wad of hundred dollar bills and starts buying drinks for everyone. Then he bellies up to the bar right next to the girl that the first guy is talking to.
Now I don’t really want any answers to the following questions because I don’t want to hear the myriad of bullshit excuses that all the ladies will come up with. So just answer it to yourself.
Which guy gets the girl? Oh, but there’s a catch. The first guy is a good guy, the second is a douche!
So whatever, I don’t really know where all this came from but I figure it should at least get my female readership’s blood pressure up just a tad. I started this off just wanting to make fun of these two because they were being so petty, and it went somewhere else...I am having a hard time believing that I am sitting in a war zone thinking about shit like this.
Anyway, I am done for now.
I love you mom...