They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...


These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Mar 8, 2009

Chasing Cock, And Other Random Shit...

So finally, after such an extended period of time, something funny happened. What happened? Well this chick and I chased some cock around the FOB!

Let that one sink in and marinate for a minute. Just let your brain run with that sentence. Trust me, it’ll be fun...

So now that you are done imagining what two soldiers chasing a cock looks like, I’ll give you the lowdown on what actually happened.

I was watching our trucks today, don’t ask me why because I don’t know. It’s an American FOB, with very few local nationals working here. I mean the Americans aren’t going to go anywhere and the local nationals, what are they going to do? Drive out the front gate with the damn thing. But I digress.

I was talking to a group of my fellow soldiers, bullshitting about this and that, uni-boobs and what not. (I’ll explain that one later) When I look up to see somewhat of a commotion developing over by the wall between our FOB and the ANP compound that is right next door. What is causing this commotion? A cock! Or a rooster, it’s the same animal really. Apparently, the ANP’s were getting ready to off this bird so they could eat it for dinner, but the thing got loose. Hopped the wall into our house and started to run around. Well one of the locals who works at the chow hall was talking to the ANP’s over the wall and started to chase this cock around.

Now being the naturally energetic and mischievous person that I am couldn’t resist. I started looking over at what was happening and I do believe that my leg started to bounce with excitement. So this girl that was there with us looks at me and says, “I’ll go if you go!” To which I responded, “I would love to chase the cock with you!”

Another first, I mean how many times in his life does a devoutly straight man get to say, “I would love to chase the cock with you!” To a girl, no less! Anyway, moving on.

So with that, she and I ran off to chase down this cock. It took us a few minutes and I thought I was in a “Rocky” movie for a minute there. But we managed to corner the thing, and the local worker from the chow hall grabbed the bird and gave it back to the ANP’s.

However, on the way back the worker, playfully nicknamed Babu, took the bird and kind of flung it at the the girl I was chasing the cock with. She responded by screaming like a little girl and running away from him. Which I found hilarious given the fact that she was the one who actually initiated this little chase. I find it funny how these chicks around here walk around all day with their bad ass personas on. They strap on their weapons and act just like us. These girls could make any normal man blush in about 3 seconds flat. I mean there are times when the profanity that flows from these wonderful young ladies mouths makes me take out a pen and paper and take notes! So it is infinitely entertaining for me when something, whatever it may be, in this case a cock, gets them to break down and act like girls again.

Well that is the story of me chasing cock. Hopefully, that’s the last time I can ever say that I chased some cock today.

Now another definition for you.

UNI-BOOB: In military terms.

The term used by soldiers to describe the way that female soldiers, especially “well endowed” female soldier’s chests look after wearing a sports bra that is entirely too tight for an extended period of time. After an entire day of missions where their assets are compressed underneath a sports bra and a bullet proof vest that is designed with men in mind, their breasts are compressed from a set into one breast. Hence the term, “Uni-Boob”

All the following should not be read by my mother. Yes, mom I am telling you that what I am about to write is not something that you would appreciate. I am still going to write it but I am telling you that all the following words in the alternate typeface should be completely disregarded by you! (How much does anyone want to bet that she reads it anyway?)

So do you all remember the kid that I convinced the girl he had a crush on was in love with him? Well he’s at it again. Entertaining me that is.

Now first let me say that, I love a good joke and if said joke is at my expense I will be gracious. I am not the type who gets really mad about shit like that, I just get even.

Well the first thing that this kid did was just so damn simple that it was brilliant.

He told me that he had a video of the girl that had been a part of my little scam. Apparently, this video was of her dancing on a bar in her birthday suit.

Well there is no way around the fact that I am a bit of a pig and if there is one thing that I would love to see it’s a girl, any girl for that matter, dancing on a bar bare assed to the world. This is fun for me.

But the fact that it was THIS girl was too much for me. I tried in vain to see this movie. Why? Because the little shit wouldn’t show it to me. So he jerked my chain about it for a few minutes. It lasted about 5 minutes. Then I realized what was happening and I have to say that I was just...so very PROUD of this kid.

I mean he found a button of mine and he pushed it. What’s the button? Naked girls! Especially ones that live just down the street from me.

So anyway, I have still not seen this movie. I don’t even know for sure if it exists. I asked her about it and she doesn’t know for sure. Which makes me all the more curious. But whatever. The little prick got under my skin...and for that I am so very proud of him.

Now the next story should not be read by you, mom, unless you want to lower your opinion of your first born son exponentially!

Second thing that he has done. Another momentous event that has made me so very proud of this young man.

Everyone here, all the males anyway, do something in particular copiously. What is this thing that we do so often you would think that we were going for the world record? Masturbate. (To all those readers disgusted by this, this story will last for the remainder of the time that I use this font so feel free to skip to the end.)

Anyway, part of the little game we play with the sheer number of times we have done it, which has gone by the wayside due to the fact that most of us cannot count that high, is we have taken to doing it in places where we probably shouldn’t and then bragging about it later.

What has this kid done? He has run the gamut of all the towers plus the ECP. Entry control point. Which is basically the front gate.

The towers is not that big of a deal. They are like little closets on stilts. They are enclosed and at night if you turn off all the lights no one can see you or what you are doing. So pretty much everyone who has been in those towers for more than three minutes by themselves has done it. I am really glad this blog is private. If the Taliban read this they would have a field day with it. How would you like to explain that one? Why did the enemy overrun your tower? Because I was punching the clown, SIR!

The ECP on the other hand, is a portentous accomplishment. You see, the ECP is right by this thing that we use to watch the entire FOB plus the surrounding areas. It is laden with cameras watching every move of every person on the FOB and every person within 25 kilometers of the FOB makes. It’s kind of like Vegas’s eye in the sky.

So with that thing breathing down your neck most of us have just decided that the repercussions of doing such a thing where the “man” can see you is just not worth the hassle.

Is that what this kid thought? Hell no, he said fuck the “man” I am going to do it anyway. So he waited until he was left alone for a few minutes at the ECP, dropped trou, and proceeded to spank Elvis. Therefore completing the cycle that so many have begun and yet only one has finished.

Once again, I am so very proud of him...but remember young man, age and treachery will always defeat youth and vigor. I am going to fuck you up!


I’ll leave you though, on a high note. Wouldn’t want everyone to think that this is just filth and debauchery followed by an IED or two.

We adopted an Afghani kid! Well not really, but close. There is a kid that works at the clinic. You have seen him, he’s the one holding the sign in that “Cubs Suck” picture I took.

This kid has been trying to get a job here forever. But the FOB mayor that we have is a dick. (FOB mayor is just like a city mayor, he handles all the contracting and public works and all that sort of shit while we get blown up) Anyway, the kid could never get a job. Finally, we had some work for him to do

We’re tearing down a building so that we can get to the beams they used to build the foundation so that we can use those to build a bridge over the shit moat that runs along side the FOB. (Yes we tear down an entire building just to get at 4 boards.) The shit moat is where everything that we don’t want goes. The dirty dish water, the shower water, the water from the laundry, the runoff from the piss tubes, you know all that stuff. Well we don’t want to fall into this moat if we ever have to hit the wall to defend this hole from the Taliban. I’d hate to have to say that I got medically evacuated from Afghanistan because I fell in a shit moat! I’d much rather get blown up or shot than spend one second soaking in there. So anyway, we are using this kid and the guys on extra duty to tear this building down.

So this kid is here everyday. And is he ever getting spoiled, but I got to give it to him, he is a hard worker and he tries really hard to make sure everyone likes him so that he can keep a job after this project is done. I hope he does, or I am going to have to do something heinous to the FOB mayor just to remind him not to be a dick!

But the other day as I was packing up all my shit to leave I found I had a bunch of stuff that all you wonderful people have sent that I can no longer use. Long underwear and t-shirts, and sweaters and what not. So I gave them to this kid. He’s got a whole bunch of Afghani winters left to go, my winter in this country is already over so what the hell. Hearing an Afghani kid say, “Good, very good” after he looks into a box of shit that I was about to throw out is priceless.

So there’s that, and the guy he is working with takes him to chow three times a day. So this kid gets eggs, and bacon and sausage, and all that, and then whatever they are serving for lunch and dinner too. I’ll bet this little shit is in seventh heaven with all the food we give him, not to mention I am sure that I am not the only person who has given him all the useless crap we have lying around. It’s a little depressing to think that something that I have no use for could be so valuable to someone who has next to shit. But there isn’t much I can do about that other than give it to him.

Then the crown jewel came. I was talking to the guy that he was working with, and he was telling me what a hard worker the kid is, and how helpful having him around is. I asked if he was getting paid for the work he was doing. The guy told me that he had to pay the kid out of his own pocket because the assholes in charge of this place wouldn’t pay him. Which I found admirable. The generosity of lower enlisted GI’s is really something to see. I asked how much the kid was making. He said he was getting $2.50 per hour. Which to this kid and his family is probably a mountain of money. So I couldn’t resist, I reached into my pocket and slipped the kid a $20 bill. I winked at him and went back to my room.

Funny part is, if I gave a $20 to an American kid he would run out and buy a toy, or candy or some shit. Either that, or he would complain that it wasn’t enough. This kid on the other hand will probably take that money home and feed his mother, father, sister and brother for a couple of weeks with that.

So why is that the crown jewel to me? Did I tell you that just to make myself feel better? Maybe a little bit, but for the most part I did that because I wanted to feel like I did something good while I was here.

My opinion of this command, and the things that we do here is well known to all of you. I did it because that is about the only way that I can help out in this country. My command has already taken from me all the other ways I could’ve helped. So my ability to help anyone has been reduced to slipping a kid something that, back home, would take me about 45 minutes to make, and yet he could use it to feed his entire family for God only knows how long.

How depressing...

And with that I am done.

Later,

I love you mom...

9 comments:

  1. and this is why I love you......you can go from admitting you chase cock to making a huge impact on a little kids life. Just curious as to why it took so long for someone to decide to make it so that no one could fall in the shit moat.

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  2. more about the uniboob-being well endowed myself I have to wear at least two sports bra-I call the "smash and dash"

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  3. Thanks for making me laugh, but most of all thanks for making that kid's life better! That's why I keep coming back here.

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  4. Hi Mudd Puppy:

    I didn't read the part that you said "don't read" and skipped to the kid part. Chasing the rooster was enough ;)

    Yes, you are right about our soldiers - they are so generous. Looks like a slight surge is coming your way - so I just hope that you get a command at some point that you can respect.

    Rake care of yourself!

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  5. I was at the post office shipping some troops care packages the other day and what do I hear from behind the counter? A cock! Never knew they actually got mailed...wondering did he end up in Afghan?
    The bold print cracked me up! Your poor mother! haha
    Love the $20 story, priceless!

    You are one of my heroes, continue to pay it forward.

    Lori

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  6. MudPuppy....I can't believe I read the whole post! (You are too young to remember the "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" commercial) but that is how I feel! kidding!
    You are a good man, MudPuppy...even if you feel the need to chase a cock now and then :)
    Stay Strong!
    Pray Hard!
    ~AM

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  7. you are a very good man, now leave that young man alone, payback maybe a bitch, but you deserved it and never use Elvis's name in such a manner again. Thanks for a great laugh.

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