Because I have bipolar disorder. There is really no doubt left in my mind anymore. I am certifiably insane. And/or the situation I find myself in has exacerbated my unfortunate condition to the point where it has become paralyzing.
What’s been going on that has me in this state of mind? Nothing new, same shit, different day. So, I haven’t really quit writing, I have been writing just as much as usual but I am beginning to question whether or not what I write is true or not. Mostly because I have a pendulum personality. On the one end you have a happy-go-lucky guy who is not bothered by much and who generally has a good attitude about most things. (He doesn’t come out much) Then on the other end of the spectrum, the one where I spend the majority of my time, you have a real asshole, who hates everything and everyone and finds the worst in everything, and could not care less about much of anything, and is sent into psychotic rage by everything and everyone here.
The questioning comes in when I try to figure out which guy is doing the writing. Unfortunately its usually the psycho that is doing the typing. But I don’t like that guy much. He’s a bit of a prick. Then again, it may just be a perfectly reasonable reaction to the rather large bag of ass into which I have been placed. The bag of ass has a big 333rd MP Company logo on the front of it.
However, the question remains for me, “Who is talking here?” I don’t like the stuff that the psycho has to say, I don’t like the way that he says it, I don’t like much of anything about the guy.
I have been trying to sort this one out on my own, and figure out how to shut this psycho up. However, my efforts thus far have been pretty much useless. He’s a bit stronger than the other guy. Most likely because he gets a lot more exercise if you know what I mean.
I tell myself that the reason that I bitch about all this stuff is because its the best way for me to maintain my sanity. Even that, which I have held as God’s truth since I joined the military, is being called into question. Not by anyone in particular, except this other guy, who gets out every so often.
Now both these guys live inside my head. Multiple personality disorder anyone? Psychosis can be fun! Now if they would just get along and maybe trade off running my body for the day then maybe things would be okay. However, what do these guys do? They fight over everything all the time.
I once quoted some guy, I forget who, who said that the definition of intelligence is being able to hold two conflicting ideas in your head without getting a headache. I wonder if that sentiment extends to two conflicting personalities.
There is no way around this one, I have always been a moody dude. One minute, I am on top of it all, the next I am lower than snail shit. It’s just what I do. Now these swings were usually attached to something. I would stay high for a while, then something would happen. Something real, and noticeable would happen, and I would swing way down low. Then I would sulk around like that for a while, then snap out of it, and I’d be back on top again. Here, on the other hand, the swings come out of nowhere and aren’t attached to anything in particular. I get down low, and then something actually happens and it just pushes me further down. I still am amazed that I have ever been able to pass any psychological exams. But I guess I hide it well, when I need to.
That being said, I wish I knew what chemical imbalance, or traumatic life event that I have suppressed, or whatever is causing this intolerable canyon of a difference that I have between one side of my brain and the other.
I am starting to wonder if there is a war going on, or if the war is actually in my head. The only problem being is that the asshole is the one who has all the guns. Sucks to be me. I have probably slept about 6 hours in the past three days. And God only knows how much I have slept since we went onto these damn towers. Getting maybe 3 hours a day, if that. I am sure the lack of sleep is not helping things any. Don’t worry too much though, its not like I am having an “Apocalypse Now”, descent into madness kind of day. It’s more of a holy shit, I am losing my marbles kind of a day.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want, when I want. But also because I figured I had better let all of you know that I am still alive and kicking. I just have some shit I need to sort out in my own head, whether it’s caused by this situation or just intensified by it, and what the hell I can do about it. Not a whole helluva lot here, so it goes.
Just wanted you all to know what was going on. I am fine, physically anyway. Mentally, I am pretty much the same as I ever was, just more so. Now all I have to figure out is how to kill this psycho, then I can get on with my life.
I am done now.
I love you mom...
Fun Fact: I am about 353 words shy of 160,000 words for this entire blog. That many words fit on 374 pages. Jeez, I need a new hobby!