They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...


These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Mar 25, 2009

Why I Haven't Been Writing Anything Lately...

Because I have bipolar disorder. There is really no doubt left in my mind anymore. I am certifiably insane. And/or the situation I find myself in has exacerbated my unfortunate condition to the point where it has become paralyzing.

What’s been going on that has me in this state of mind? Nothing new, same shit, different day. So, I haven’t really quit writing, I have been writing just as much as usual but I am beginning to question whether or not what I write is true or not. Mostly because I have a pendulum personality. On the one end you have a happy-go-lucky guy who is not bothered by much and who generally has a good attitude about most things. (He doesn’t come out much) Then on the other end of the spectrum, the one where I spend the majority of my time, you have a real asshole, who hates everything and everyone and finds the worst in everything, and could not care less about much of anything, and is sent into psychotic rage by everything and everyone here.
The questioning comes in when I try to figure out which guy is doing the writing. Unfortunately its usually the psycho that is doing the typing. But I don’t like that guy much. He’s a bit of a prick. Then again, it may just be a perfectly reasonable reaction to the rather large bag of ass into which I have been placed. The bag of ass has a big 333rd MP Company logo on the front of it.

However, the question remains for me, “Who is talking here?” I don’t like the stuff that the psycho has to say, I don’t like the way that he says it, I don’t like much of anything about the guy.

I have been trying to sort this one out on my own, and figure out how to shut this psycho up. However, my efforts thus far have been pretty much useless. He’s a bit stronger than the other guy. Most likely because he gets a lot more exercise if you know what I mean.

I tell myself that the reason that I bitch about all this stuff is because its the best way for me to maintain my sanity. Even that, which I have held as God’s truth since I joined the military, is being called into question. Not by anyone in particular, except this other guy, who gets out every so often.

Now both these guys live inside my head. Multiple personality disorder anyone? Psychosis can be fun! Now if they would just get along and maybe trade off running my body for the day then maybe things would be okay. However, what do these guys do? They fight over everything all the time.

I once quoted some guy, I forget who, who said that the definition of intelligence is being able to hold two conflicting ideas in your head without getting a headache. I wonder if that sentiment extends to two conflicting personalities.

There is no way around this one, I have always been a moody dude. One minute, I am on top of it all, the next I am lower than snail shit. It’s just what I do. Now these swings were usually attached to something. I would stay high for a while, then something would happen. Something real, and noticeable would happen, and I would swing way down low. Then I would sulk around like that for a while, then snap out of it, and I’d be back on top again. Here, on the other hand, the swings come out of nowhere and aren’t attached to anything in particular. I get down low, and then something actually happens and it just pushes me further down. I still am amazed that I have ever been able to pass any psychological exams. But I guess I hide it well, when I need to.
That being said, I wish I knew what chemical imbalance, or traumatic life event that I have suppressed, or whatever is causing this intolerable canyon of a difference that I have between one side of my brain and the other.

I am starting to wonder if there is a war going on, or if the war is actually in my head. The only problem being is that the asshole is the one who has all the guns. Sucks to be me. I have probably slept about 6 hours in the past three days. And God only knows how much I have slept since we went onto these damn towers. Getting maybe 3 hours a day, if that. I am sure the lack of sleep is not helping things any. Don’t worry too much though, its not like I am having an “Apocalypse Now”, descent into madness kind of day. It’s more of a holy shit, I am losing my marbles kind of a day.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want, when I want. But also because I figured I had better let all of you know that I am still alive and kicking. I just have some shit I need to sort out in my own head, whether it’s caused by this situation or just intensified by it, and what the hell I can do about it. Not a whole helluva lot here, so it goes.
Just wanted you all to know what was going on. I am fine, physically anyway. Mentally, I am pretty much the same as I ever was, just more so. Now all I have to figure out is how to kill this psycho, then I can get on with my life.

I am done now.

Later,
I love you mom...

Fun Fact: I am about 353 words shy of 160,000 words for this entire blog. That many words fit on 374 pages. Jeez, I need a new hobby!

6 comments:

  1. Hey Sybil - You really need a beer !!

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  2. dude-normal reaction to an abnormal situation. happy to talk you about it. i am a professional afterall. there is much you can do!!

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  3. Hey, I was wondering where you were. I was glad to see your updates. I need to think about your latest blogs and I'll comment more tomorrow. HANG IN THERE! I admire the respect you have for your mom and she has a way with words as well, I see where you got your talent. :)

    The better 1/2 of the Head Ghost!

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  4. MudPuppy...You are you........ in a really effed up place.
    We love you!
    We support you!
    We want you home!
    ~AM

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  5. Mud puppy, I wish I could write as well as you and your dear mother! Well, I can't so, I am going to write like me. You are a good man, hang in there, keep being true to yourself and keep writing. Afghanistan is truly a sad place and it is understandable the feelings you are having. If you were not feeling these things, you would not be a good person. Keep the vision of home and a cold beer in your mind. Quit listening to the bad guy in your head! I finally quit listening to the one in my head, the bitch would never stop talking! She has finally learned to keep her mouth shut!
    Take care and stay strong!
    Lori

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  6. Hey Mud Puppy,
    Sleep deprivation is some serious shit and I think you should hold off on diagnosing yourself until you have replenished your sleep bank. I thought you might get a kick out of this article.

    Tuesday, March 17, 2009

    Sleepy Soldiers: Proposal Recommends More Sleep for U.S. Combat Troops

    Stars and Stripes reports that the U.S. Army Medical Command is proposing changes to current Army sleep guidelines.

    The draft proposal recommends that U.S. soldiers in combat zones get seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Current guidelines suggest that soldiers get at least four hours of sleep each day when deployed.

    The change would help prevent “performance degradation” on the battlefield. The guidelines state that sleep loss can have a critical effect on problem solving and decision making. It can result in delayed reaction times, lapses of attention and confused thinking.

    The article cites two recent studies conducted at the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research. The first study was published in the journal Sleep in 2007. It shows that 53 hours of sleep deprivation can impair the ability to make some moral judgments.

    The second study is in the current issue of Sleep. It shows that “banking sleep” before a period of sleep deprivation can reduce the effects of sleep loss on performance and alertness.

    The study restricted the sleep of two groups to three hours in bed for seven nights. Prior to the sleep restriction, one group extended their nightly sleep to 10 hours in bed for one week. The other group maintained a typical nightly sleep time of about seven hours in bed during the week before sleep restriction.

    The “extended sleep” group performed better during sleep restriction. They were better able to remain awake during the day. Their performance also rebounded faster after the period of restricted sleep.

    You have racked up some serious sleep debt! No wonder that other guy is always in such a bad mood, he's not getting enough sleep.

    Sweet dreams, MP!

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