They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Apr 19, 2009

The Gay Trifecta...

Alright, so I had to share this story just because I have had nothing else to write about. This place has been incredibly boring. Not a thing has been happening since the infantry got here. Mostly due to the fact that they can’t get more than 8 kilometers outside the FOB without getting stuck. So they haven’t hit any IED’s and they haven’t run into Mr. Taliban Man yet. More the better for them, but boring for me.

As far as our little move is concerned, there is no news. Just the usual rumor mill bullshit. I have learned not to believe anything the military tells me until we are actually there and doing it. So until then I am not going to bore you with the myriad of shit floating around. So pretty soon (I hope) we are going to move from here (the 7th level of suck) to somewhere else (probably even deeper). And when we do move I am not going to be able to write regularly, nor do I even know if I will be able to write regularly when we get there so we’ll just play it by ear and see what happens. Its worked for me thus far, because if the first few months are any indication, these last few months should be absolutely hilarious.

Prior to telling you this story, I have to say that I hope you can take this for what it is. It is supposed to be funny. The subject matter is something that every GI who has ever been deployed knows all about, and probably has experienced something similar. Either way, because my mom is already going to have my ass for writing this post, I have to try and smooth things over ahead of time. I mean I am still going to tell the story, but there is nothing wrong with apologizing in advance. The way I figure it, my mom probably thinks about me doing this sort of thing the same way that I feel about my brother’s and my own conceptions. Same way she figures that “HER” wonderful son would never do such things. I still, and always will maintain that my brother and I were both immaculately conceived. No one but God is worthy!

And now on to my story...The Gay Trifecta.

Now I am not trying to say anything bad about gay people. I already told you, I love gay guys, less competition for women. Know what I mean. Another thing you have to understand, is the sexual frustration level of GI’s in combat zones. I mean we are setting world records for masturbation, and personal debauchery. We make a horny 8th grader look like an amateur. Anyway, sometimes when a GI comes across a particularly entertaining piece of pornography he feels that it is his duty to share this with his fellow comrades in arms.

Now in our case, because this is the computer age, our pornography is digitized. It makes it really easy to share, transport, and store. In addition the computer thing gives us a very easy way of circumventing the fact that pornography is illegal for us to possess and/or watch or do anything else with. (Per the US Army) I still can’t believe that the fucking Army outlawed porn. It’s a crazy world, isn’t it. In any case, it also allows some of us (myself included) to build epic collections.

Every now and then, a GI will show a piece of pornography that he feels is good, and then another soldier will come back with something like, “If you think that is good, watch this!” I think its related to my “Fuck you, watch this” thing, but we don’t have time for that now.

So in my barracks this evening was something akin to the exact situation I have described above. So one of my buddies shows something that he feels is good, and I retort, “If you think that shit is good, watch this!” So he comes on down, and due to the fact that I am most likely the loudest person in southern Afghanistan so does the rest of the guys in the barracks. (Porn is kind of like the dinner bell here.)

So I have about 5 guys standing around my cot while I punch up this particular piece of erotic entertainment. I hit play, and the show begins. Now as the movie begins a rather attractive young lady wearing a black bikini walks into the screen.

First thing I hear from a sergeant on my left is, “That is the ugliest bikini I ever saw!” Gay strike number one. I mean who does that? Guys, help me out, who the hell notices what the girl is wearing even if you are going to the prom, much less watching porn! The look of disbelief on my face must’ve been priceless.

Alright, moving on. Next and in order to save the gory details let’s leave it at this, there is “oral” being performed by this nice young lady, and for the sake of the story I have to tell you this, otherwise these words would never leave my pen...this dude was “well endowed”. we are watching this spectacle the next thing I hear from this sergeant is...wait for it... ”thats a hell of a cock” Okay, now I am getting nervous. Gay strike number two. Really? Why wouldn’t he say that? How gay can one guy be, all at one time? I mean full on, Liberachi gay. I am waiting for this guy to start serenading me with show tunes. And he is standing right next to me watching porn no less. (Good God, do we need to get home)

Well, he managed to get through the rest of the “entertainment” without saying anything else that would betray his sexuality. However, due to the fact that there was a well endowed male in this movie (and this is the most disturbing part) all the guys around were talking about “it”. Now in their defense they were more commenting on the nice young lady’s admirable handling of “it” But its still creepy. So in response to the comments on the aforementioned equipment, another one of my buddies that was there says, and I quote, “That’s not a cock, that’s nothing, come on down here, I’ll show you a cock!”

...Gay strike number three, swung on by batter number two! Where the hell am I? What level of suck is this? Did I slip through some wormhole into an episode of the Twilight Zone? And this came from a guy who is married and has a kid. I mean he has procreated, isn’t that the ultimate confirmation of your heterosexuality? Apparently not! And with that the gay trifecta was hit, and this post got its title.

I wrote that story not only for the humorous value, but also because I needed to get that off my chest and out of my head. I already deleted that movie, because if I ever tried to watch it again all I would hear was a symphony of, “Ugly bikini, helluva cock, and I’ll show you a cock.” So needless to say, I have a little extra space on my external hard drive for...MORE PORN!

So I guess it all works out in the end.


I love you Mom...and (in advance) I’m sorry.


  1. Hmmmm...
    I'll comment on the first two paragraphs only of this post... I'm thankful you are down to your final few months! Keep writing, even if you are unable to post.
    We'll be here, to read your words when they are avaialable. In the meantime, know you are in my prayers constantly...along with all of your comrades!
    As for the rest of your post...I'll let your mom deal with you on that one! ;)


  2. LOL!!! I said it before, I will say it again "Your poor mother"!!!!! LOL!!!