They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

May 13, 2010

AOM, Day 4...

This task was, Increasing my testosterone.

With a rather long list of goofy shit I had to do in order to raise it.

And here's the list:

I need to get 8 hours of sleep.

I need to not smoke all day.  That'll be tough

I need to meditate for at least 10 minutes.

I need to not eat anything with soy in it.

I need to do resistance training.

I need to eat a serving of good fat.  (Where do you find good fat?)

Eat a serving of animal protein.

I need to eat a serving of cruciferous vegetables. (WTF is that??)

I need to have morning sex.

Well that's quite a tall order for one day.  I mean you've gotta tack at least one task onto the list right off the bat and that's, look up cruciferous.


Cruciferous: belonging to the Cruciferae, the mustard family of plants.

Oh that certainly helps.  So apparently I have to eat a lot of sandwiches with mustard on them.  But a reader came to my rescue and told me what it means.  And I have to eat a lot of broccoli.

First task, get 8 hours of sleep.  EPIC FAIL.

I am not sure that my body will actually stay asleep for 8 hours anymore.  I tried.  I really did.  But I woke up and then laid there for another 2 hours so that at least I was in bed for 8 hours.  Didn't pick up a book, didn't turn on the tunes, didn't do anything but keep my eyes shut and wait for the alarm to go off. Apparently, in order for me to sleep longer than 6 hours at a stretch I have to have consumed a midget's volume worth of alcohol.

Second task, don't smoke all day.  SUCCESS.  I thought this would be the toughest one.  I am a smoker.  Have been for a long time.  And I'm not sure if this is what was supposed to happen but it certainly upped my energy level because I was fiending for a cigarette all day.  But hey, breathed a little easier, didn't have to deal with the annoying cough, and went a whole day without stinking up my clothes.  So all in all, worked out well.

Third task, meditate for 10 minutes.  DON'T KNOW WHETHER I PULLED THIS OFF OR NOT.  Meditation is defined as engaging in thought or reflection.  So I figured that I'd go straight Shaolin Monk style on this and put some goofy world music on the iPod and I turned off all the lights and sat on my living room floor, crossed my legs Indian style, and did the thing with putting my thumb and middle fingers together, placed them on top of my knees, and started to hum.  Okay, so I let the humming go after about 12 seconds, but the rest of it I kept up.  For a whole 10 minutes.  Not quite sure that meditation is supposed to be timed by a microwave alarm clock, but whatever I'm new at this.

Somebody told me that I should clear my mind.  Well, guess what, I don't care what anyone says, the only way you have a clear mind is if you're dead.  There's always something going on in there.  Unfortunately, my mind spent about 8 of the 10 minutes in Afghanistan watching Pigpen pulling on the door of a recently exploded truck yelling, "He's dead man! He's fucking dead!" And the guy behind the door shoving open the window and scaring the shit out of Pigpen saying, "I'm not dead you idiot, I'm just stuck!"  And meditating or not, that made me chuckle.

The last two minutes were spent trying to figure out what I would in fact, do for a Klondike bar.

So, did I sit there, in the dark, thinking and reflecting for 10 minutes.  Technically, yes.  But I'm not sure that's what they had in mind.

Task four, don't eat anything with soy in it.  SUCCESS.  Enough said, didn't eat any soy.

Task five, I need to do resistance training.  SUCCESS.  Went to the gym.  Picked up heavy things.  Looked at all the girls that I swear to God got into shape just so they could go to the gym.  I accounted for about 85% of all the body fat in that place.  And came to the realization that there are only two reasons that men go to the gym.  And they both have to do with ass.

They go to either GET more, or KICK more.

Task six, eat a serving of good fat.  SUCCESS.  This one was ridiculously easy.  Good fat=tuna.  Bam, I love tuna.  Made a heaping bowl of tuna.  Threw some lettuce on a plate and ate it.  Done.  This is cake.

Task seven, eat a serving of animal protein.  SUCCESS. Tuna was lunch.  Animal protein.  Went to the grocery store, spent 14 bucks on a steak, threw it on the Foreman grill, and chowed down.  If you could eat testosterone I'd be a bodybuilder.

Task eight, eat those cruciferous vegetables.  SUCCESS.  It sucked, but the cheese helped.  Got a bag of frozen broccoli and a hunk of cheese.  Threw them in a bowl, microwaved them for like 5 minutes.  Let them cool off for about half an hour.  Then ate them with the steak.  

Task nine, have morning sex.  I'm not a teenage boy.  So...

Anyway, by the time I went to bed I didn't notice a whole lot of difference between this day and all the others.  So I'm thinking that this testosterone thing has got to be a sustained effort.  You know one day of anything doesn't help much of anything.  Now if I had to do that shit everyday, my grocery bill would be huge.  $14 a day just for meat!  But we'll see if we can't find a way around that.

But there was a little difference after it was all over.  

I slept like a baby for 9 hours after my testosterone day.

Nothing but pleasant dreams, and no waking up, no trips to the bathroom, no midnight cigarettes, just nothing but sleep and I woke up feeling better and with a clearer mind than I have in a long time.  So, maybe testosterone is the medicine I need.  We'll see, but that was my best night in a long while.



I love you Mom...


  1. There's a lot of sacrifice I would put up with for 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep..although, avoiding soy and eating broccoli don't really count as sacrifice in my book. Did it say why morning sex increased testosterone more than your garden variety anytime sex? Just curious.

  2. My dearest - you certainly would notice the testosterone if you were able to keep it up for a lifestyle. The smoking and drinking (I know it didn't mention drinking) but as a woman of the world I know for a fact that men who smoke and drink have a big problem in the sex department in their late 40's on. Some can't do it AT ALL - no matter how much the mind wants them too. My husband (may he rest in peace) was very able as can be into his '60's when he passed away (a weird disease having nothing to do with bad habits or life style) - his father into his 80's and grandfather also was chasing poor old gram around until 88. I have (unfortunately) found men younger than me who smoke and drink and can't do it at all or poorly on occasion. I would suggest you try to quit the smoking and drinking (alcohol raises estrogen levels) or slow waaaay down - but if sex isn't that important - oh well drink and smoke on. I am proud of you for going through this type of thing. Any efforts at self control are never wasted. love you very much. This will be anon due to personal subject matter

  3. Congrats on completion of Day 4!
    A good night sleep is a good thing in my book. Meditation has always been extremely difficult for me... clearing my mind??? Yeah right! #1, I'm a Virgo and we are wired to overthink everything, #2 I'm a mom and my mind and heart are full of moments filled of my children.
    In theory, clearing the mind completely for a while, is probably a good cleansing...which can't be all bad.
    Enough of Day have 26 more days to complete! :)

  4. Is it just me who wants to know how you complete Day 5 challenge?

    As some people in other parts of the world would say,