They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...


These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Oct 31, 2010

759 Words on The War Within...

I wrote a while back talking about the "War Within" which was basically a rant about the difference in treatment given to National Guard soldiers as opposed to active duty guys by the chain of command.

This post has nothing at all to do with that.

This is about the war inside of me.

So, recently I began seeing a therapist.  The guy works out of a storefront office, also known as a "Vet Center" near my apartment.  We went through the initial getting to know you and what's wrong with you and all that good stuff.

Then we got down to the nitty gritty of things.

I consider myself to be quit listless.  Maybe restless is the term I'm looking for.  In any event the fact of that matter is that I cannot, for the life of me, get myself to concentrate on my life and squeeze everything I can out of it.

Since I got home, which is over a year now, I've been doing nothing but floating.  Floating to school, floating to work, floating through relationships, floating through pretty much everything.  Not grabbing a hold of any of it.  And this is not good.

I've written about this before, but because of this little therapy thing its come back to the forefront of my mind.  I even started floating through my writing.  Evidenced by the fact that I haven't written much of shit for a long time.  Just floated in, wrote a little something here and there, and then floated back out.

This shit has got to stop...

Now how to stop it?  I have no frigging idea.  Hopefully, this guy can help me figure that one out.

But I've got a bit of an idea.

He and I spoke about accountability in one of our sessions and we talked about the differences between the war and the things prior to the war and things now.

Intensity.

There is absolutely no intensity left in my life anymore.  Nothing that can get my blood pumping the way the war did.  Nothing means as much anymore, and it hasn't worn off.  Remember how I wrote about the volume being turned down on everything?

Oh, how I was right.  However, that turned out to be a bit of a bad thing.  It means that nothing means all that much to me.  Money...eh I'll make more.  Family...eh I love them but whatever.  Friends...eh I'll see them when I can.  Relationships...eh I'll get to it when I get to it.  Fitness...eh No big deal.  And on and on I could go.

It seems to me as though everything, regardless of importance, has become about as important as a peanut in yesterday's turd.  This my well adjusted friends, is not good.

The more I think about the war, and how I felt before, during and after it, the more I realize a very disturbing fact.  I am at my best there.  I am at the pinnacle of my abilities when someone is trying to kill me, and I am trying to kill them back.  I'm sure everyone here has seen that even my writing was better when I was hip deep in shit!

Now as I pondered that fact I can't help but think that I am completely nuts.  Possibly certifiable.  But who knows and who cares? Hahaha.

The question becomes, can I mimic that feeling I had over there...over here.

Can I turn my life into a fight?  Can I turn the volume back up?  Can I look at all my problems, no matter how big or how small as enemies trying to kill me?

And those thoughts beg the question, should I be thinking like that?

I'm going to go with probably not.  I mean no rational person would look at everything as a fight.  But we don't really have time for rational and/or saneness here now do we.  We aren't dealing with sane.  We are dealing with me!

So things have come full circle.  Gone from a world that was noisy and loud with many things that got my engine running, to a war that turned the volume down to almost inaudible levels and I don't recall the last time that my engine was truly running...

And now I have to figure out how to turn that volume back up...Ugh what a pain in the ass.

Anyway,

Later,

I love you Mom...(I am so ashamed, I totally left this out of the last few posts.  Why didn't anyone say anything?)

7 comments:

  1. Check out Sebastian Junger's book WAR. You're not the only one who feels this way, by far. Even Junger admits feeling pretty similar.

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  2. At least you are dealing with your feelings in real time, it took me over 30 years to deal with mine.

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  3. I don't know if you've ever read any other soldier's blogs, but I read one that might interest you. He's dealing with a lot of the things you are, including going to school.

    Here's the site. http://stillinthedesert.blogspot.com/

    I hope you can find the volume level you're in search of.

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  4. I don't know what it's like to feel the way you do. I hope that you find the "fire" that youa re needing back in your life!

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  5. Your writing is wonderful. I am glad you are getting the help you so deserve. Thank you for your service, and I hope you find the tools to turn the volume back up. Thank you for your service.

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  6. I'm so proud of you...
    These are huge steps you are taking, ultra huge...since I am almost certain you never thought you would be in need of this 'sort of help'.
    As Sarge said...good for you to deal with it now.
    Through your sessions, a 'light' will come on at some point. One day, you will be chatting it up or alone and thinking...then your answers will begin to appear. Chances are...they are in front of you at this moment, but you are not in the right place to see them.
    In most cases, it all comes together. I know in my heart, you will come together. If not, I will be on a plane with my VirtuaMomSuperGlueGun :)
    ~AM

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