They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

May 19, 2011

Have you ever thought about harming yourself or someone else?

Well, I've been away for quite a while. Not exactly sure how long but I know I've gotten more than a few emails, comments, and pokes reminding me that I haven't written anything in a long time.

But oh so much has happened since then. First things first gotta talk about Bin Laden getting croaked. Now was I ecstatic when Bin Laden got offed? The puritan in me was certainly excited. I mean he was the guy who was, by his own admission, responsible for 9/11. So when they gave him his two in the head I was pretty stoked.

Now the realist in me was a bit more docile. I mean, one life for 3,000 or whatever it was that died in the world trade center. Or you could look at it from a completely different point of view and say that vengeance was already had when we went into Afghanistan, totally fucked up the Taliban's world, kicked them out of power, and sent the country into 10 years of war. That's my personal way of looking at it. See I am not the kinda person who believes in measured response, or in the inherent fairness of the world or the people in it. For lack of a better term, I like the idea of using a nuclear missile to kill a mosquito!

So anyway, now that I've said my peace about that. What else has been going on? I don't know if you all knew about this but I've been diagnosed with PTSD by the wonderful VA hospital near my home. So that was fun. Answering the same questions over and over again from 5 different people was fun.

Case worker, social worker, counselor, and psychiatrist.

Okay, so I guess I only had to answer the same questions 4 times. The funny part of the whole thing was, one of the questions they always ask. Without fail, always ask is...have you ever thought about harming yourself or someone else? and they do not respond well when you tell them that if you ask me that one more time I am very likely to try and kill someone, most likely you!

Alright, so that's probably not the best response to that question, and fear not. I didn't actually say that but I thought it in my head at least 4 times. One for every person asking me.

Then after all was said and done, my evaluations were over and they were deciding on a treatment plan for take 1/2 this pill daily and we'll call you in three weeks to see how you're doing.

Me: What? That's it? All of that, just to hand me some happy pill? And then when I get it, I only get to take half? What the mother fuck is that? Excuse me, but I'd like to actually get better. I'd rather not hide my bullshit behind some zombie making happy pill!

Them: Oh, well in that case, we'll get you signed up for this PTSD education class. It'll teach you all about the symptoms, and causes of PTSD.

Me: Lady, are you serious? If I've got the fucking thing why do I need someone to teach me about the symptoms? I'm living them everyday. And as far as the causes are concerned, I've got a pretty good grip on where they're coming from. So do you think it would be at all possible to do something that might actually have some sort of discernible effect on the problems that I'm having?

Them: We'll let you know when an individual counselor or psychiatrist becomes available. In the meantime you can visit your local Vet Center. A nurse will contact you via phone in a few weeks to see if you are having any trouble with the medication.

Good times at the VA.

That's what's been happening in Mud Puppy land. I'm trying real hard to maintain my sense of humor, and my sanity. I'm just not succeeding as much as usual.



I love you Mom...


  1. You could brag about our new honey.

  2. wow... interactive medicine at it's finest :(

    (I could send you Timtams to cheer you slightly? It won't have any effect on the PTSD but it will give you a short-term happy).

    E me an address (neutral / your mum's / whatever you are comfortable with)


  3. Welcome to my world ;-)

    Yes, I have been asked that. I used to get asked that every two months when I went back for evaluation and adjustment of my meds when I was "suffering from" depression.

    Personally I'd tell you to take the meds, see if they make a difference. If you feel crap with them, get them adjusted. See if it works, give it at least half a year. Just do. No, they won't take away _why_ you've got PTDS, but they will make your life more normal, and they will let you get back into a normal way of life because they will take the edge of off the trigger situations. They'll help you react more calmly and more thoughtfully. And that will do you good.

    You've already been to some kind of "Talk it through" Therapy, I'd suggest finding a Psychotherapist who does behavioral Therapy. It's what helped me most because they don't focus on the past, they focus on teaching you how to handle trigger situations. As you say, you know how you got to where you are right now, you need to figure out how to get back out of this mess.
    Make it urgent, call around, get on waitinglists, call back, stay on their mind, say you need help and quickly and make it clear that you'll be willing and able to come in whenever they have a free appointment.

    And get Paxford to send you some milo bars and cherry ripes instead of those Timtams, Timtams are completely overrated *duck and run*

  4. >Nicole... actually (checks my usa based aussie treat source) I can do all those in the one package...

    Also musk sticks (bwhahahaha)

    So Mud Puppy - are you game??


  5. Congratulations, so soon out of the shit and you know what PTSD is, mine was suppressed for 30 years. Take the meds man, they will give you some relief.

  6. Thank you for the update. We love you and it looks like you are getting some good advice here. I'd love to hear what your wise mom said. She is amazing. Every time you have told us what she said, wow. just wow.

    News here---middle son comes home from A-stan end of June, as the firstborn heads over, and nephew is going next week. Yikes. Firstborn brought us the cat and dog on his way to training on the other coast. They are adapting to us well. Tifa is a huskie, Rhodesian Ridgeback, border collie mix. She does not bark. She howls a little when we have to put her in her crate. Kind of a forlorn sound. She is under age 2, so still sorta a puppy. Now to just keep her from jumping our fences...

  7. Pax put in some minties, too. And some Violet Crumble, we all know, it's the way it shatters that matters, right ;-)

    (I really miss Melbourne now. Time to check if my stash still has something in it)

  8. Your words have been missed, by so many of us.
    Between your mom, your brother and new g/ have a good support system. I'm not a doc, but I have suffered from depression and found that a small dose of meds for a short amount of time...was enough to help me help myself. My shrink was good... however, once I felt that therapy could go on and on...and I felt I had a handle on life, we parted ways. You can control your PTSD...and not have it control you.
    Please know that your VirtuaMom is your prayer warrior.
    p.s. you have some great comments here!!!!

  9. What can anyone advise you, man?

    Writing is good therapy, so keep writing, man.

    Connect with other people who have the same problems and talk it out. I know that's the AA approach but it works.

    As others have said, take your meds. Even if they do not remove the problem they offer some relief, and some is better than none.

    Many people support you in the sacrifice you have made and it would be great if this country spent a fraction of the money getting real help for its wounded warriors as it does sending them to war. Sadly it seems like just an afterthought, if that.

    Our thoughts are with you, that's all I can say.