They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Aug 4, 2011

Everyone, CALM. THE. FUCK. DOWN. I got this...

The longer that I'm nuts, the more fun it becomes for me...

I know that's probably not the most healthy attitude in the world to have about my particular set of problems. But I just can't seem to help myself.

I swing back and forth, going from depressed to maniacally happy, to tired, to not being able to sleep for days. To taking a sleeping pill or 7 and sleeping for 14 hours and damn near missing work. I don't drink all that much, not because I'm averse to drinking, its mostly because I don't want to miss a minute of the lunacy!

Try explaining that to people! They'll probably want to have you committed. 

Try explaining half of what goes on in my head to anyone and after a few minutes they're going to decide that I'm so far off the deep end that I can't even see the bottom anymore. Which is pretty much fine with me.

Try explaining to people that the reason you hate the everyday mundane details of life is that you spent an entire year where pretty much every thought you had, every step you took, every word you uttered, every breath you drew, every bite you ate, could be your last. And not in the existential, modern day bullshit way that yeah I know everyone could be dead in the next moment but the fact is its not that likely. What I went through it was a distinct possibility and in the lion's share of my time a likely outcome.

Now people look at you cross-eyed when you tell them that you want to ride a bull. And that you want to run with the bulls in Spain. That you've generally got a psychotic need to follow in Ernest Hemingway's footsteps. Now he was a man if there ever was one.

Basically, it breaks down like this. I've spent all my time from the end of "that" until now trying to recapture that feeling. That state of mind. Its a wonderful thing. Every emotion was perfectly felt. The terror was perfect, the happiness was perfect, the calm was perfect, the longing was perfect, the sadness, the insanity, all of it...Perfect.

Slept like the dead.
Ate like a King.
Laughed like I was dying.
Loved like there wasn't another person in the world.
Thought, like a 9mm was about to find out if I could breath through my forehead.
Wrote like the page was my life and the ink was my blood.

And I don't understand why everyone seems to want me to stop trying to get those feelings back. I come back here to this soulless, lifeless, bloodless society and I wonder who's the crazy one?

Everything here is geared to increase comfort. Increase ease. Make your life easier. Compromise. Back down. Don't rock the boat. Don't make things hard. That's the mantra I keep hearing over and over again.

Get over these feelings you're having so you can get back to having a normal life. Hear that one all the fucking time. And I'm sick of it. I don't think that I'm the crazy one. I think you're the crazy one! You're the one who wants me to voluntarily give up my life and become another zombie. Go along to get along you tell me. Well I don't want to.

I want those perfect feelings back. Good or bad I felt those things from the top of my skull to the bottoms of my feet and from the base of my brain to the bottom floor of my soul. I want to run out into the world and find something, anything that will make me feel like that again. I want something, anything that will consume me to the point where I can be 100% in the moment. Something, anything that will remind me that I'm alive and that I may not be for much longer.

They say that I'm nuts because I embrace something as morbid as death. I don't embrace it, just so you know. I welcome it as a natural part of life. Something we're all going to do. Nothing to be afraid of, just the next rung in the ladder. Up or down, I haven't quite figured that part out yet. But I'm working on it. All it is to me is another chance to have those perfect feelings again...don't worry, I'm not going to rush it along.

Well, the prevailing wisdom here is that death is something to be avoided at all costs. With as much medical care as possible and as many pills as we can toss down your throat and on and on. Have you seen a hospice ward in a hospital? I have. Death is sweet mercy to those imprisoned there. I can only pray that when they shake off this mortal coil that they have that one moment of perfect feeling.

Over and over, I'm told that I have to compromise, that I have to moderate my thoughts and my actions to conform to the status quo that's been thrust upon me. I'm told that I can't live a good life thinking the way that I do.

The longer I'm nuts...the more certain I become that its you who is crazy.

So CALM. THE. FUCK. DOWN. I got this.


I love you Mom...


  1. You'll be just fine...
    I remain your faithful prayer warrior.

  2. The only time I feel truly alive right now is when I'm riding my "little bike" ( not mine but exactly like mine). Except I don't ride my bike when I'm feeling suicidal. Too many spots on my route where I could forget to hit the breaks and ride into traffic...
    Find some kind of sport where you can really power yourself out? I know it's very cliche, and I personally don't really want to see a gym from the inside, but I do want to get back into Yoga, and I want to find more time to ride my little bike again, too. Because I feel a lot more centered and alive when I can really lose myself in movement.

  3. Been there done that.different circunstances.the end result is still the same.just keep on truckin man!

  4. I saw an old friend this past weekend. She told me she was sick of her job and sick of where she lived, etc. When I asked her what she wanted to do with her life and what steps she was taking to get there, she looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language - as if she had not thought she could do it on her own so why bother trying. Some people are so afraid of getting out of their comfort zones or stepping outside the box. I say, go for it.

  5. There is this book I read and it is called Wild at Heart and it is just what you are going through. We want to live and live it to the fullest. I am with you and sometimes we need to push the envelope. If you are a reader you need to read this book. Thanks for the blog.

  6. Go skydiving.
    Run for office but actually be honest and blunt.
    Go racing.
    Go to the range.
    Build something.

    There are ways to make an honest existence in this society, even if most people are lazy blobs.

  7. I tell people the same stuff day in, day out... I wake up every single day and live like it is my last day on earth... That is how a person must live in order to have a zest for life/excitement. Plus, it helps if you work with people who think they are smarter than you but aren't. I work with a lot of hater's, so I have a fairly entertaining life.
    I think it's a Gunner thing...