They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Jan 24, 2012

Helping Muslims Get Laid...

Since oh, about 1991 or somewhere thereabouts.

If there ever were a public service, that's it.

I saw this picture and I couldn't help but want to write a little bit about it. Just because its one of those things that I'm going to guess would royally piss off some pinko, commie, hollywood, msnbc, uneducated (in any real sense), occupy some shit liberal off.

However, there's a lot going on in this picture. Well, truth be told I haven't a fucking clue what's going on other than I'm sure at least one of these guys is working to keep from laughing. What's going on is in the words.

Those words, if nothing else, are beautifully sarcastic. Now anyone who has read my blog for any length of time (up to and including those of you who have only read this post up Know that I am sarcastic and if there's one thing I truly appreciate its a well crafted sarcastic comment.

So, we all know that Muslims have a pretty twisted attitude about sex. And coming from an American (easily the most uptight country in the western world as it relates to sex) That's saying something. They have some really weird shit going on over there. Man love Thursdays is something I'll unfortunately never forget. Seeing some 12 year old kid walking around with little designs painted all over his hands, and seeing grown men walking around with their beards dyed red or orange. Yes this sort of shit goes on, and yes its a sign that you're ready per se. Ugh, I threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about it.

Ask any GI about how haji's feel about sex and they'll tell you something along the lines of boys are for pleasure, broads are for breeding. And that dear friends, is all you really need to know to understand that yes these people are not all.

Where does this come from? Who knows, not me that's for sure. But I'd be more than happy to venture a guess. These people live under one of the most oppressive religions the world has ever seen. Sharia law and Koranic teachings are, forgive the term, a motherfucker.

Only way I could describe their rules is this, its really easy to get yourself maimed and/or killed trying to follow Muslim rules. I know for a fact that I committed no less than 7 death by boogie boogie offenses within the past 17 minutes. And for anyone who doesn't understand the boogie boogie reference, just leave it be and suffice it to say boogie boogie will hurt your coochie coochie.

Moving on, this isn't about sex. Just so you know. Its about something else. Its about a sense of humor. And when you look at this culture you realize that you are dealing with a morality system, a religion, an entire culture that is completely and utterly devoid of a sense of humor.

So far as I'm concerned if you can't laugh at or make fun of yourself you're not worth the air and food it takes to keep you alive. But that's still functioning on a micro level. What happens when you don't have a sense of humor on a macro level?

Someone drew a picture of Mohammed with a towel shaped bomb on his noggin. And they all lost their shit and someone went to Holland and offed a Van Gogh. Someone here drew a picture of the crucifiction with human shit. (no, I won't use excrement thank you very much) Nobody killed him.

Some chick gets sick of her husbands shit so she bones the bell boy. And next thing you know she's buried up to her neck getting boulders chucked at her temple. Happens all the time here. Usually she'll end up walking off with half your shit.

Some kid decides he doesn't really want to get sodomized this weekend and next thing you know his old man slits his throat for disobiedience. If we were like this can you imagine how many dead kids would be floating around?

And a new one, some guy marries a 16 year old (He's like 35) and tries to force her into prostitution, she tells him where to stick it, and his family proceeds to torture her by ripping out her hair and fingernails. Here we would've just offered her more money. Jeez that was wrong, but you get the idea.

Ever heard of an "honor killing" you know, when some girl gets raped, these fucks think she has dishonored the family so they off her.

Yeah, I could go on and on. But the fact of the matter is we are dealing with a group of wackos who have completely lost the ability to laugh, at anything. The most miniscule of slights must be avenged.

Now, call it whatever you want. Maybe I'm being simplistic but if you take a step back and look around you will see that for the most part, a whole lot of trouble is being caused by people who take themselves too seriously.

Christian, Muslim, Jewish, fundamentalists. Oh yeah, we all know that they're a pain in the ass.

Politicians. Is there one flipping guy in this field of candidates who can consistently make people laugh? I mean on purpose, we laugh at them mostly because they act like douchebags, not because they said something clever.

Cops? We all know these guys are a pain in the balls. "You were going 3 over the limit sir." Really officer, you can go...

The Occupy and Tea party wackos? These are people who believe that anyone who does not believe as they do is an affront to God and the human race.

Moving right along. So my point being that there is no way around it. Humorless people cause a lot of trouble.

Everyone knows this, everyone knows that humorless people have a lot of pent up anger, frustration and energy. And sooner or later they act out.

Occupiers decide to turn statehouses into flophouses. Cops decide to use pepper spray on kids. Politicians just ram it up our keesters a little bit harder, and the fundos (fundamentalists) they keep waving their religion around like a riot baton...

...and Muslims, well they keep blowing shit up, hijacking planes, oppressing women, living in mud huts, chopping off heads, using acid to suppress education and a myriad of other really despicable things.

Can we change this? Who knows? A lot of these people are so far gone in this department I don't think they could ever be brought back.

All's I can say is, cultivate your sense of humor. Sharpen your sarcastic blades, and turn that sense of humor out. Direct it at others, but mostly direct it at yourself...because I really don't want you to blow yourself up!

So long as you don't blow yourselves up, we'll keep the Muslim dating service open!

Just sayin.

I love you Mom...

and we'll wrap today's rant with another photo that illustrates perfectly, and loudly, exactly what I'm talking about.

Jan 22, 2012

Getting Home and Realizing You'll Never Be This Awesome Again...

Pictures are worth a thousand words right?

Well this one is worth that and its worth the rest of this...

I personally thought that this picture has a lot of bearing on how I feel. I suppose that it would be infinitely presumptuous of me to figure that I could speak for them but its a large part of how I feel.

For a year I was a jolly green giant walking the earth with a gun. (cookie to the first person who names that movie.)

For a year (and this has been stated ad nauseum) I was making decisions everyday that determined whether or not someone saw their next sunrise.

For a year, I was entrusted with millions of dollars of government equipment. Not to mention the lives of my team, squad, platoon, and company.

And here's a new one. Something I have been thinking about lately (especially with this god damned election coming up) For a year, I was shielded and allowed to purify myself of the relentless media onslaught that is American TV. I didn't watch any TV.

First let me define what I mean. Because any soldier reading this will call bullshit right away if I say I didn't watch any video entertainment at all. The sheer volume of porn in Afghanistan right now is enough to sink a battle ship, not to mention the avalanche of pirated DVD's and the endless collections of ripped movies in MP4 or WMV format. If you were to prosecute one platoon of GI's overseas for their pirated movie collections I can guarantee that there would be at least 10,000 years of prison time and a fine in excess of 1 billion dollars. And I'd think those were conservative estimates.

When I say TV, I didn't have to watch commercials. All the TV shows we watched were on DVD's or digitized and minus all commercials. They were stories. We watched Sons of Anarchy, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Family Guy and all that shit. But we got to leave the commercials at home. Plus we didn't have to see much in the way of news. I read plenty of it on the internet, so I guess I'm not as pure as I'm pontificating to be.

Regardless, I was able to kind of shake myself loose from all the celebrity worship and athlete worship and all that shit. I came back with an entirely new attitude about the entertainment industry. And it goes like this...

They're show ponies.

Actors: Act in your movie. Be really hot. Have really big boobs. Dance around looking really sexy. Athletes: Throw the ball. Shoot the basket. Score the touchdown.

And then....

Go the fuck away.

Don't speak. No one cares.

Don't give us your opinion. No one  cares.

And finally on to the news casters. Dear Lord, someone please shut this monstrosity up. I think that the advent of the 24 hour news cycle has doomed our entire way of life.

There isn't enough real news to fill 24 hours.

There really isn't. I know it for a fact. Ask me how I know. Do it. Ask me.

Well since you asked, its because at least 60% of the time of those 24 hour "news" channels is filled with opinion shows. Glenn Beck telling me why the sky is falling. Chris Matthews telling me why the sky is falling. Bill O'Reilly telling me why the sky is falling. Rachel Maddow telling me why the sky is falling. Sean Hannity telling me getting the jist of what I'm saying yet?

Its not news. Its rehashing the same shit from 2 different angles. And anyone who thinks these schmucks are unbiased really needs to have their head examined and their voting privileges revoked. Actually pay attention for 5 mintues and then tell me if you haven't figured out who they're for.

News is supposed to be just that. News. A collection of who, what, where, when and why that a person could use to make an intelligent decision about some event, or issue that affects them in some way. Or they can take the information and completely disregard it.

Its the lost art of thinking. Taking the information you have at hand, and making the best decision you can with the resources you have, and then taking action.

But the way it is nowadays you have 24 hours a day of these shitbirds telling you what to think about this issue and that issue and what to say about this politician and that politician and telling you what to feel about this war and that war.


Unfortunately its pretty much unavoidable. I mean I love Judge Napolitano. That guys the shit, plus I want him to come over to my house and let me call him Uncle Vinny and he cooks spaghetti. I know its odd, but it is what it is.

Where was I going with this...oh yeah. I got disconnected from that, for the most part, for a year. And by the time I got back my entire world view was expanded exponentially. I saw things differently, I questioned what I saw, I believed less and less of what I heard. I learned to be suspicious of power. Which is something that we all need to learn and live.

Don't be one of those people who blindly follows this news company or that. I mean, I know people who wait for the endorsements to come out from either the Sun-Times or the Trib (Chicago) and then they vote accordingly. Make up your own mind.

Afghanistan disconnected me from that. And I'm thankful to say that I haven't gone back.

Add all that in together and I am thankful for the time I spent there. I'm thankful for those I spent that time with. And it has forever changed the course of my life.

Unfortunately, I will never be that awesome again...

But I can try.

I love you Mom....

Then I found one other picture that I think should be posted in every Air Force barracks the world over. Plus tattooed onto every fobbits door. Good night, and good luck

Jan 4, 2012

Who Is Jonathan Raab?

Because he wrote this and I think he's pretty much the epitome of awesome.

He's got two articles in the NYT At War blog. Read them.

Pay What You Owe...

So I was putzing around the house on Christmas Eve and I was listening to the radio. US 99.5 to be exact. Chicago's version of a country station. Now for all you hillbillys and rednecks out there who think that there can't be a "real" country music station in Chicago can kiss my ass. And we'll just leave it at that.

So as I was listening and they were playing your standard fare, "Red Solo Cup, Camoflage by Brad Paisley and what not" they threw a commercial in the middle. A commercial for Make The Connection a website for vets to go and share their experiences with those who do understand. I've spoken before about just what a pain in the ass it can be to hear 'I understand' from anyone other than Vets. Anyways, the commercial has a couple of different guys talking about this, that or the other, but one guy jumped up and kicked me square in the nuts. And like any red blooded American male, I'm not real appreciative of anyone either literally or figuratively kicking me in the nuts. However, if forced to choose I'd much prefer figuratively to literally.

And we're back on topic. So one of these guys was talking about his experience and he got around to saying the words that brought tears to my eyes. Real fucking tears. Out of nowhere. Like a damn little girl who's brother ripped the head off her Barbie doll. And I'm standing there, in the kitchen halfway through making my peanut butter and fried banana sandwich and now I'm crying over the pan. Bananas do not need extra juice!

What did this dude say that turned me in to an emotional wreck?

"You owe it to the guys that didn't come back, you owe it to them to live well."

I haven't always been a big fan of paying what I owe. Just ask anybody who loaned me money between the ages of 16 and 23. Especially, have fun asking those guys who were dumb enough to give me credit cards that exceeded what I made in any 3 month period. I always wondered how an industry could survive when it was willing to give $5,000 worth of open credit to an 20 year old soldier who lives exactly 20 minutes from Mexico. But I guess we've answered that question a few times in the past couple of years.

Now around 23 is when I started to remove my head from my 4th point of contact (aka, my ass!) and low and behold I started paying my bills. Which I've been doing dutifully since. Which has led to a good credit rating, which has led to a recent house purchase, which has led to moving in with the princess, which has gotten me a new dog. So all in all, its a pretty good deal.

I tell you that for no other reason than I know what it feels like to be on both sides of debt, er...all sides of debt. I know what its like to pay what I owe, I know what its like to not pay what I owe and I know what its like to be paid what I'm owed, and I know what its like to not be paid what I'm owed.

Now I don't know about you but its pretty easy for me to pick out which sides of the debt equation I want to be on. I want to be "current" with all my obligations. "Paid in full" would be better, but I don't think that this case has a paid in full.

So now I've been pondering, thinking about, meditating, contemplating, analyzing, and agonizing over that statement. "You owe it to them to live well." Fuck me running. This guy just heaped a giant debt right on my head.

According to an old NYT article (get over it) the average age of combat deaths in Afghanistan is about 25 (Average Age of combat death) then you figure that the life expectancy here in the United States is about 78.1 years. (Source) then you do some quick math. 78.1 minus 25 is 53.1. So that's, on average, 53.1 years stolen from each soldier, sailor, airman, and marine who has died in service to their country. And then you find out how many have died in the War on Terror (Honor the Fallen) shows that 6316 have died in the fight. Then you've got some more math to do. 6316 multiplied by 53.1 years equals 335,379.6 years total. Oh boy, that's a pretty steep bill to pay.

Now maybe I'm being a bit overdramatic with the calculation of the bill, who knows, probably. But it has still been weighing on my shoulders since I heard it.

I owe it to them to live well.

Am I living well?

What the hell is living well?

Two questions that have had me wrapped around the axle for a week. Plus they don't seem to have much in the way of easy resolution. Once, I wish that I could get presented with an easy question. Oh and the above listed questions aren't rhetorical. I want an answer. I'm kind of in the conundrum of not minding so much that I owe, but not quite knowing how to pay the damn thing back.

However, there is a silver lining to my little episode of douchiness. (Crying like a little girl) I'm actually kind of stoked about it because you can't cry unless you have emotions. First and foremost that rules out psychopath, unless of course I can fake emotions even to myself. (I'm not that good an actor) Sociopath is still in the running, but I may have my definitions mixed up here. In any event, the fact that I cried meant that I at the very least have some emotions. So congratulations to me, I might actually be beginning to reconnect with the world. A little sympathy, empathy and good old fashioned concern for my fellow man would be nice once in a while. They warned us when we were coming home about emotional disconnectedness. They of course forgot to tell us exactly how to fix it. I mean, not even a clue. Pricks could've at least pointed us in the right direction.  

And finally, I want to say something that's most likely been said before but it bears repeating. Did anyone even notice that the Iraq War is over? Operation Iraqi Freedom has come to a close? Is it just me or was that the least dynamic end of a war ever? You know that the country might have a problem when the end of a motherfucking WAR!!!! doesn't even get anyone's pulse up a little...but I could be wrong. Just seemed to me that around here, nobody noticed. I'm pretty sure that this should've been a big deal.

So I shall bore you no more today.

Answer my questions and we'll see what we can come up with.


I love you Mom...