I don't know if you read what I wrote yesterday, but it came from a pretty dark place. I've been there myself. From time to time, I feel the need to go back for a little bit. Not quite sure why that is, but its a thing.
So here I sit watching a bunch of nerdy chuckleheads playing poker on TV. Yes, I've fallen that far, I'm actually watching people playing cards on TV.
In any case, I wanted to say that you don't need to worry. I mean feel free if that's the kind of thing you like to do. I mean some people are worriers. But make no mistake. While there have been some thoughts had. Maybe thoughts that most would say I shouldn't be having...they were had nonetheless.
I don't think that having suicidal or homicidal thoughts is really that big of a deal. I think the problem lies in there being really no way, other than self reporting, for anyone to differentiate between thoughts and plans.
Plans would mean you set down and figured out how many guns and bullets you need and where to get them if you don't have them already and where you were going to stand and all that stuff. Maybe followed by a dry run or a practice if you will, or maybe a rehearsal to use the parlance I learned in the Army. We rehearsed most of our missions, if we had time. What is that other than practicing to kill someone. They gave me medals for that. If I did the same thing here, I'm headed to a padded room.
I haven't broken with reality. I haven't lost my will to live. On the contrary, I think its all the more solidified. Given the fact that like the word contrary, I am a contrarian and if I think for one minute that there are people in the world that would like to see me out of the picture that is all the reason that I need to stay in it and increase my profile if you will. Basically, I am too big of an asshole to want to kill myself.