They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Aug 15, 2008

My Drunken Nights...

So I was sitting here reading over my last few posts with my 2 liter bottle of ice water trying to recover from last night and I realized that I have gotten to be bit of a downer. Now I don't want anyone to go away from here with the misconception that I am all doom and gloom. So in order to remedy that situation I figured that I would tell you all my drunk stories beginning invariably with high school and moving on from there.

The booze has flowed like a river in my life and I have loved every minute of it. Some of this stuff is embarrassing, some heart warming, some completely ridiculous, but its all pretty funny stuff. Without further adieu.

One of the first funny things that happened to me while intoxicated was this one. I'll title every story in big letters so you know when a new story begins.


So my friends and I were at this party, everyone was getting hammered and then the cops came by and busted up the party. So being the good upstanding young man that I was, I proceeded to run my ass out the back door trying to escape.

Well apparently, these cops had done this sort of thing before. (Suburban cops have nothing better to do that bust high schoolers for drinking) In any event there was a rather Napoleon looking shorty of a cop waiting for me outside.

He grabbed me, gave me the usual song and dance about ruining my life with booze and tossed me in the back of his car and went back to wrangling up the rest of my fellow drunkards like so many stumbling cattle.

Evidently, however, there was some kind of problem with alcohol poisoning or some such nonsense where medical attention was required and this or whatever kept the cop who's car I was in, busy for quite some time.

So with nothing to do and no way of entertaining myself, I, as was my right, decided to lay down and go to sleep in the back of the car.

I don't know really how long I slept, but I do know that at the time I slept like a rock, and at some point post falling asleep and prior to the cop reentering the vehicle I rolled over and fell onto the floor of the vehicle.

So there I am wedged between the back of the front seat and the bench in the back seat. (Which I imagine is what kept me from snoring) And I am sleeping like I had a tit in my mouth for 8 hours.

Well time flies when you're having fun and the policeman's shift came to an end. At which time he pulls into the police station and exits the vehicle and opens the back door in hopes of retrieving his coffee thermos. (Which was empty by the way.) And to his horror he discovers a peacefully sleeping young man. (yours truly)

"Holy Shit!" He exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing back there? I completely forgot you were in there"

Groggily, I tried to shake off the effects of last nights alcohol consumption and answer this peace officer. But before I even got both eyes open he said, "Fucking stay here and stay on the floor, I'll be back in a minute to get you and I'll drive you home, and don't let anyone see you or know that you're here."

Realizing the pickle that I...and he are in I decide to stay on the floor. Shortly thereafter the door swings open and I slip out the back of the police car into the SUV belonging to the very conscientious police officer who had graciously taken me into custody the night before.

He proceeded to drive me home and drop me off about a block from my house, and the last thing he ever said to me was, "No one finds out about this shit ever, you understand me?" And for a brief moment I felt really powerful, like I actually had something on this cop. Shaking those thoughts off I politely thanked the officer for his assistance and began my walk home. I couldn't help but give the cop my patented cocky smirk as he drove off, which said, loud and proud, see you again real soon...

My contact with the local police departments is not what I would call legendary, but I guarantee that many a police officer tells stories at family gatherings about the time that he ran into me while on duty. I can hear the story begin, "You'll never believe this kid that used to live in my beat..."

Next time, I'll tell you about the time that my buddy took a tinkle on the countertop at Dunkin' Donuts...Stay tuned.

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