They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Jan 23, 2009

Here I Sit Broken Hearted, Came To...

Shit but only farted...and so goes the traditional poem scrawled upon the walls of port-a-john's the world over. It was what I was reading this afternoon when the funniest event of this little jaunt to Qatar happened.

Now everyone knows that Bagram airfield has entirely too many people and the commanders here obviously have entirely too much time on their hands during which they sit around their mahogany conference tables and come up with new and interesting rules for those under their command to follow. Fun for me.

Well in this case, the rule in question is the designation of certain sets of shitters for use only by designated personnel. I never knew that the port-a-potties could be designated for just one group of people. But they do that here and apparently the ones that I decided to do my business in this afternoon were reserved specifically for the Air Force personnel that lived in the barracks directly behind them. Unfortunately for me, the shitters in question are also located just outside of the chow hall where I have been eating for the past several days.

So I sat down to enjoy my afternoon movement. I finished up, and came out of the john to be staring face to face, err more of a his face to my chest kind of thing, with a Bagram MP. I didn't really understand what the hell this guy was doing, I would never stand that close to another person who had just come out of the john and clearly had not washed their hands yet, but hey, whatever works for him.

So he says to me (and I swear I cannot make this shit up), "What were you doing in there?"

To which I responded, with no small amount of sarcasm, "I was solving the world hunger crisis!, what the hell do you think I was doing in there?"

Now I have pissed little napoleon off, and he shoots back angrily, "Do you know that these facilities are designated for the Air Force personnel in this barracks only!"

"Really, well where am I supposed to shit?"

"In the facilities located at your billets!"

"Well, I wasn't at my billets, I was here so I am going to shit here!"

Now let me say that I have an Army MP patch on my arm, this guy is an Army MP as well, and I have already pegged him as one of those, "I got my ass beat in high school so I am going to become a cop so that everyone will have to respect me" type of guys. And I am needlessly fucking with him just because I can. Regrettably, this is just what I do.

Anyways, so now he says, "Do you understand that I could cite you for unauthorized use of off limits facilities."

Now in my mind I am thinking, "Oh please, please Dear Lord please have this chump write me a ticket for using off limits shitters"

But unfortunately I am getting older and a little more controlled and I realize that if my chain of command were informed that I got cited for anything at all, the shit storm would be legendary. But there is another part of me that thinks it might be worth the trouble. However, cooler heads prevailed and I decided to make nice with the guy.

I gave him a little song and dance about how I wasn't from up here and I didn't know all the rules and la di da di da. And luckily for me he bought it.

So I thanked him for setting me straight and I wished him well as he left. But the funniest thing he said didn't come until he was getting in his truck to leave.

He said, and I quote, "Make sure you watch yourself, there are a lot of MP's around here who have too much time on their hands and they like to cite people from other units for bullshit!"

"Thanks for the advice, pal!" As soon as he left I was doubled over laughing. I almost got a ticket for unauthorized deposit of fecal waste! Only in the Army could something like this actually happen. Not only that, but the MP who did it actually went so far as to describe himself when he was leaving. Not to mention has it dawned on anyone that this guy had to have watched me go into the shitter and then said to himself, "Hey he is in an Army uniform, those are Air Force facilities. I think I'll set this guy straight." Then he had to pull over and stand directly outside the facility that I was using and wait as I grunted and groaned my way through the burritos and enchiladas that were served the night before. Then he had to prepare his little talk for when I exited. Holy shit, this fucking guy thought this through.

Then he had to do it. How bored do you have to be to actually notice when someone is going in the shitter? Either that or one of the pricks from the Air Force ratted on me, in which case that opens a whole other ball of hilarity. But for right now lets go with the "he was watching me" option.

Anyways, that was my funny story for today. I am sitting here waiting for the flight from here to Qatar. Which is supposedly at 0300 tonight. Which is another funny thing because if you think O'Hare is bad I had to check in for this flight at fucking 0830 this morning. A full 18 and one half hours ahead of time. But I digress.

I am done for now.


I love you mom...


  1. Hey Dan;

    That was hysterical !!

    By the way; Jill and I got engaged.

    Also, tomorrow night is the Riders 'Winter Warm-up Party'at beautiful Post 1205.

    Hope you're enjoying your R&R !!


  2. I always thought you would get in trouble for the shit that comes out of your mouth, not the other direction. only you man only you

  3. You know sometimes people who work in offices have no idea what is going on. That is why I like what you wrote and I believe they need to ask the soldier on the ground how to do thinga and not some office junkie who has no idea. Thanks for writing what you did and I will continue reading your blog.

  4. mudpuppy...only you can paint a hysterical picture of illegal fecal waste! Truth is funnier than fiction, there is no way you can make this stuff up!


  5. Mudpuppy,

    Your are ablsolutely right about little Napolean, All's I can add is oh WTF!


  6.'s your 'virtual' mom again...I forgot to mention, I like the new look! It took me a few seconds to realize you shook your blog up a bit. Always effin with our heads, eh? :)


  7. ridiculously funny. and i did seriously laugh out loud. have a great R&R!

  8. You'll be laughing your butt off the next time you have to get in a strange shitter. But it also kind of sounded like that guy was the one who was fuckin' with YOU. No?

    Stay safe and well.


  9. Mudpuppy,

    Loved this. I laughed till I cried, though I can't believe that any facility can't be used when nature calls. Just shows my ignorance of military life.

    Take care, stay safe. You are, as always, in my prayers.


  10. Yup! That's the Army I remember! This is my first visit and every post seems to be funnier than the last. Good work.