They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Jan 16, 2009

Two Soldiers In A Combat Zone, Watching A Musical...and Puppies...

Yep, that's right, Pigpen and I were just caught sitting around in the dark watching a musical. The musical? "Little Shop of Horrors" So maybe that's a little to the left of heterosexual on the straight scale, but quite frankly who gives a shit. It's snowing and we don't have a damn thing to do but sit around, and there are only so many rounds of spades you can play before you are ready to shoot someone. So we decided to watch a musical. If this is a world in which two men can't sit around and watch a musical, then this is a world in which I don't want to live.

And now I sit here writing this and listening to, "I Kissed A Girl" Dear Lord, what has happened to me here? I think that people are starting to wonder.

Moving on, another way to know you are in Afghanistan or at least to know you are in a foreign country. The movies that you buy from Haji are packaged about 20 movies to a disc. Yep, 20 to one disc. And they all have the words, "Can play on any dvd-player or computer dvd-rom". Not to mention the one that I just got today was "apparently" put out by Nike. Copyright infringement can be fun. Best part is that this disc works perfectly and cost only $5.00, God I love this country.

Also, I would like to send kudos to Airman mom, who came through big time without even knowing it. A while back she sent me a Rubiks cube that I have really done nothing with, until the last 3 days. So I spent the last three days (literally) turning this and spinning that, and trying to figure out how I could remove and replace the stickers without it being noticeable. I worked on that damn thing for hours on end until I just said, "fuck it" and went and downloaded some instructions on how to do it from the internet. AND THEN IT STILL TOOK LIKE 6 HOURS FOR US TO FINISH IT. I am really beginning to think that the longer I spend here, and in the Army in general, the dumber I get. However, it did kill three whole days.

Well what has been going on around here? Nothing, nada, niet, not a damn thing. So what happens when members of the military get bored? Nothing good. Not from the lower enlisted soldiers or mid-level NCO's but straight from the top. They got bored and sent us crashing down the 8th level of suck!

I can't even get into all of them due to the fact that my head would probably explode but suffice it to say that our chain of command spewed forth a pile of literary excrement (thanks, Kasper) that they called an S.O.P. (standard operating procedure). Which outlines all the places we can and cannot go, and how we can and cannot get there, and where we can be and when, and a myriad of other things that most likely no one will pay any attention to. The best one by far and away is the "ground guide" rule. For those of you who don't know a ground guide is someone who directs a vehicle around, from the ground. It is a safety precaution that the military uses to prevent accidents. Sounds good to me, how about you? The problem is that they take things to ridiculous lengths. Usually ground guides are used to get large vehicles around in tight places, and to get all our vehicles around the FOB at night. But we have to use these guides during the day! I couldn't resist, I told them that I get the ground guide at night thing, but why the hell do we have to use them during the day? The answer I got was that they were worried about soldiers running out in front of the vehicles and getting hit.

So basically our chain of command just told us that we are too damn stupid to know to look both ways before we cross the street! Ah, it's always nice to know that my superiors have such a high level of respect for my counterparts and I.

And here are the puppies...


Lastly, above are pictured a couple of the puppies we found under one of the B-huts here at the FOB. AWWW, They're SOOOO Cute! The next few months are going to be interesting as I am trying to get one of these guys home, and the rest to an animal rescue place up in Kabul. Given our command policy regarding animals this is going to be entertaining to say the least. It is kind of funny though, throughout my time in the military I have been in trouble for drinking, for insubordination, for fighting, get the idea. I find it a little funny that here in AssCrackIstan, I am going to get into trouble for smuggling puppies!

I am done for now.


I love you mom...

P.S. A little note to my cousin Kenny. He has been posting my entries on another website of an apparently "family friendly" organization. I don't know how true that characterization is given how it makes it's money but whatever. However, he has been censoring my writing. Which I find hysterical. Reading my posts and seeing a bunch of XXXXXXXX's all over the place just makes me happy. Well first I would like to say to Kenny, "Thanks pal" and I would also like to say...


Sorry about the language mom...


  1. Awww the puppies are so cute. Good luck with the smuggling!

  2. Was it the version with Steve Martin as the sadistic dentist?? That part is a scream.

    Those puppies are so small, they look like they need to be bottle fed. What happened to the mother?

    How about a puppy cam from Afghanistan? Just like the puppies in San Francisco:

  3. Oh geez, Natalie was totally excited about the puppies after we found out about them and she is sitting next to me as I read this and now that she's seen the pictures she wants you to bring them all home (to her)They're adorable!!! Natalie says hi! and sends the smiley face :)
    Love ya,
    Jeanne and Nat

  4. mudpuppy...let me know how I can help with the puppy smuggling, I got your back! I'll admit, you had me laughing about the Rubiks cube, should I send you CandyLand to help you feel brilliant once again???? (kidding)

    As for Cousin Kenny...ditto!

    ~AirmanMom returning to her blog...

  5. Mudpuppy,

    Great post. I can't imgagine having to Guide by day. That seems a little ridiculous. However, I suppose they have their reasons.

    Love the puppies. They are darling but look very young. Like Joyce, i wonder what happened to their mother.

    Take care. Be safe. Prayers speeding heavenward for you and you military family.


  6. LOL - that was good the - ffffff at the end - HAHAHAHA. Too funny. Loved it. I hear the snow is actually there to stay this time. I hope you guys are able to stay warm (why are moms always so concerned about that) :) The puppies are adorable, I sure hope you are able to keep them around. Give the Ghost a big ole hug for me. :) Take care, Mom Ghost

  7. hey brother no need to censor anything just give him a EAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Keep your ass down!
    UH UH UH!
    Functioning alcoholic!

  8. Mud Puppy, I think you have corrupted Airman Mom, she is willing to help you smuggle contraband! OMG! Good luck on the dog smuggling, perhaps you could dress them as an NCO surely no one would question them when they barked an order!

    As for couzin Ken, he is just trying to keep it clean for the crumbscatcheers I am sure. Don't be too hard on him.


  9. Hi Mud Puppy,
    Great post...very funny. You have a great sense of humor. Try to hang on to that, it will keep you sane.
    Let me add my "AWWW" to the puppies. They are so cute. Getting them home will be a challenge. I know of several soldiers who have done the same. I can try to hook you up with some names and emails if that would help. If you are serious about bringing the puppy home, it is a lot of work and red tape, but, it will definitely give you something to keep you busy and make the time go faster. Take care MP. You can email me at