They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Mar 12, 2009

The Little Prick Wavers Are Back, And I Am Over Half Way Home...

So I jammed into a tower today, after having been out picking up the pieces of the biggest IED we’ve hit yet. I was out there for 30 hours straight. You know at one point in my life 30 hours wouldn’t have seemed like that long, I mean it is just a little over a day, right?

Bullshit, 30 hours is a lifetime in Taliban land. Staring at the same 3 villages and then back at the same burned out vehicle with parts strewn over an area encompassing about 200 meters for that long is enough to make your average man insane. So thankfully, I am decidedly below average.

If there were anything to tell about my little jaunt into the Afghan countryside I would tell you. However, if you were to take the thirty most boring hours of my life up until this deployment and added them all together they would pale in comparison to the boredom that was the thirty hours I spent watching this truck or what was left of it and then bringing it back.

We had to go out there and secure the sight because apparently the US military has a real problem with littering. Meaning that anything we take out there with us, regardless of whether it gets blown up or not, we bring it back. So when this truck went boom we had to pick it all up and bring it all back.

Problem being, this thing had caught fire. And had burned for probably a good seven or eight hours prior to us getting there. So we had to wait for it to cool off. Then we had to get all the unexploded ordnance out of the damn thing. Which was fun to watch. Thank God I didn’t have to do it. Playing with grenades that had just been in an oven for about 8 hours is not my idea of fun. Then we had to drag this thing out of the hole in the ground that was made by the rather large amount of home made explosives that were buried underneath it. Then we had to walk around this huge area and pick up every little piece of this truck that had been blown to hell. Let me tell you, when these damn things go off they send pieces of shit sailing in every direction. And we had to go and find them all. Fun for us.

So we finally got done with that, they left us alone for about 8 hours. Then it was back to the same old bullshit. Once again, fun for me.

I got sent to a tower for a guard shift that was only four hours long. Shit, only having to work for four hours is paramount to having a day off in my book, so I had a wonderful day. That and my shift went by all the quicker given that the little prick wavers came by the tower to entertain me today.

Remember them? The little guys who will wave their pricks at you if you don’t give them Pepsi, or Coke. Well, apparently they have traded their theatrical ways for a sort of mimic the GI game. Which means that everything I said to them was mimicked. Which was hilarious.

Hearing a bunch of Afghani kids, ranging in age from about six to twelve say things like...

Fuck you, get out of here.

Kiss my ass you little prick.

I like to hump sheep.

Take that Coke and stick it up your ass.

I like to get the idea.

(Another thing I am probably going to hell for)

But whatever, this is how I killed a good two hours of the time I had to spend in that coffin that we like to refer to as a guard tower. Teaching Afghani children the many intricacies of American profanity and slang. Well maybe, if I am lucky, these kids will grow up to be our next generation of interpreters. That way they can make a ton of money and use the words that I taught them when they meet the next generation of American soldiers that comes here. Alright, so that may be a bit far fetched but it makes me feel better so back off.

And with that I will talk about my last point of the day. Two things have happened recently that brought me out of the funk that I have been in for a few weeks now. One, was that the Friendly Ghost returned, which has made this entire place 10 times more tolerable.

The second thing is that I looked at my Hooter’s Calendar the other day and I realized that I am over half way home. By my calculations, I have 173 days to go. Which is less than 180 which is 6 months, so I am on the back end of this bitch. I am over the hump. It’s all down hill from here, baby!

173 days till I get some beer.
173 days till I get some hot dogs.
173 days till I get some...
173 days till I see the mom.
173 days till I see the brother.
173 days till I see every one of my friends.
173 days till I sleep in my own bed.
173 days till I drive around without worrying about blowing up.
173 days till I never have to see my fucking commander again.
173 days till I get to shit in a real toilet, that flushes!
173 days till I get to walk around without wondering if this is the guy who is going to kill me.
And on, and on, and on...

So that’s a good thing.

Anyway, I am done for now.


I love you mom...


  1. Woo-Hoo! 173 days is a whole lot better than 174 days!
    My heart is filled with gratitude for each of you and your guys every single day!
    Stay Strong!
    Pray Hard!

  2. mazel tov for being on the back side. now while i appreciate the humor in teaching them profanties, why not use this time for educational purposes. teach them english words for body parts, the appropriate ones mp, how to count, the abc's. of course this is coming from the educational psychologist, but you never know when you might have the chance to make a real difference. was that enough guilt for ya? i am jewish afterall

  3. Don't let your guard down. Thank you very much. Your post about coming home and mom on a bike was ah. interesting. Doesn't sound like mom is someone you want to mess with.


  4. Do you prefer Coke or Pepsi?
    ANSWER THE POLL and you could win a prepaid VISA gift card!