The Albuquerque Strip Club Story

So I went and put it down in my last post so I have got to tell you this story now.  First let's begin by letting you know that 2 of my friends and I, while stationed at White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico went from Las Cruces, to Albuquerque to see a porn star/stripper who was performing there.  Her stage name was Lovette...here (for your enjoyment are a couple of pictures of her, showing her ummm, qualifications).

We went up to Albuquerque and saw her perform and spent some obscene amounts of cash getting her out of her clothes as quickly as possible.  It never ceases to amaze me that where women are involved we as men can be so quickly reduced to sniveling idiots completely incapable of controlling ourselves.  But hey, any guy spends four hours staring at boobs and there is no doubt that he is dumber than a box of shit.  (Thank you, Rodney Carrington)

The parts of the story that to this day makes me laugh are two fold.  First, the elaborate lie that we constructed so as to not alert the wives of my two pals to what was going on.  We had to tell them that we had some military mandated color guard mission up in Albuquerque because we all knew that their wives would never let them go.  Why are women like that?  Who really cares? Thats probably why I am not married anymore.  Now in order to pass this color guard thing off as legit, we forged a set of orders to go up there from our commander. (I am not sure if this is really illegal in that we used it to lie to these guys spouses, not any official entity)  But that was a thing of beauty but as I was thinking at the time, "a whole lot of effort over some tits"  

But we did it, now we had to get our uniforms together.  Now anyone who has ever been in the Army knows what a truly annoying and difficult task it is to get your Class A uniform put together.  There has never been a more poorly designed, completely ridiculous, hard to maintain, and harder to deal with garment than the class A pants and jacket.  Polyester crap, that has to have ten thousand little ribbons, badges, crests, buttons, rank placards, and decorative sashes and a myriad of other little things that all have to be a quarter inch from this and a half inch from that centered over the pocket and blah blah blah.  That and they never lay flat against the front of the damn coat so we all would cut cardboard out and put it behind the things to be attached to our jackets and pin that in with our ribbons and what not to make sure that they lay flat.  So rest assured if you have seen a soldier lately who looks squared away in his uniform and all his shit is laying flat on his coat, well that man is wearing more cardboard than a new refrigerator.  The process of putting together a uniform, especially one that has to go to the tailor, which my buddies uniforms did, can be a task that takes literally hours on end and the efforts of several soldiers all trying to remember what goes where and how far and what its centered on and shit.  So now we have already committed a large amount of effort and a little bit of money to this little tit seeing adventure.  So just keep in mind, this is the caliber of intellect you are dealing with here.  I am a man who would spend hours working on things that I hate (uniforms), and construct an elaborate lie to tell the most important persons in my friends lives for the pleasure of driving 3 hours to Albuquerque to see a woman undress.  You know when I say it like that it sounds bad.

So then we go up and see her do her thing.  I mean what can I say about that.  We got drunk and spent too much money and we saw her dance and get naked.  I mean its the same thing all over.  So the next day we got to get our butts home because we have to work that night.  Thank the good, good Lord that we were working together so we could take turns sleeping, or all fall asleep at once, no one could see what we were doing anyways.  Now on the way home, it was snowing.  Unfortunately every so often in New Mexico it does snow, however there is not a person in that state that knows how to deal with it.  So as we are going home driving down the 25 and just chuggin along when a guy in a white bronco, (no OJ references please) swerves in front of me.  Coming dangerously close to my front end, in reaction to which I swerve the opposite way and am now sliding across the road at roughly 75 miles per hour.  New Mexico had one of those speed limits that is a bit high.  So as we start into our slide and our impending doom, both occupants and the driver are starting to scream in a psycho shower scene manner.  Now there is something else you have to realize about New Mexico the freeways are not encased in retaining walls or guardrails, there is a shoulder with those "wake the fuck up" bumps cut into it, but after that you literally will go sailing off into the New Mexico wilderness which awaits you about 50 meters below.  

Now I am a northerner by birth and had some experience in driving in the snow and luckily through my abject terror I was able to steer the car into the skid which steadied the car out, but it steadied it in a sideways direction.  Meaning that on a road designed for traffic to go north and south, we were in fact going north and south, however the problem was that our car, (in fact, my car) was facing east and west.  How depressing.  The funniest part of this whole thing to me is that during this whole thing I calm down for a moment and marvel at the beauty just to the side of the freeway in the form of the New Mexico desert landscape.  Then I look calmly out the driver side window and notice that several cars and trucks are sliding from the north bound lanes into the south bound side and are in my way and if I do not right this vehicle shortly there is going to be a rather unfortunate collision, and then we would have to explain the strip club tshirts, the strip club drink cups, the rather large breasted woman who signed our 8 x 10 photographs, and the $20 polaroid pictures of me with a porn star in my lap.  All of which are things none of us really want to deal with.  

So I bring myself back from wherever it was that I had drifted off to and somehow managed to steer the car back into a southerly direction and proceeded to dodge all the sliding cars and made it another 30 minutes south and by this time all the snow was gone and driving was back to being easy.  We all got home and were safe and sound and miraculous as it may sound, no one ever discovered our little ruse.  Which is amazing because the three of us are easily the most unintelligent and non-devious people I have ever known.  But we got away with it.  Thankfully, because these guys had some scary wives.

The moral is this, why can't women be easier to deal with.  Why do they have to be such battle axes that we have to construct elaborate lies in order to go and see another woman take off her clothes for money?  Ladies, relax....