Whether or not my maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-Winston Churchill.
Alright Winston Churchill is now about my top rate, most favorite quote master of them all. But a close second is Chuck Palahniuk, author of Choke, Lullaby, Survivor, and Fight Club just to name a few.
He said the following...
"All God does is watch us, and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever get boring."
I like that idea. Why do I like it? Pretty simply put, I hate the idea of a boring life. However, after the last few years of my life I am beginning to wonder first of all what that means, and secondly is a non-boring life even a possibility in this society/culture we've created here in America today.
Just look at what we shoot for, or aspire to. Everyone wants to grow up, get a good education, find a good job, work at it for 30 or 40 years and comfortably retire after we've raised our 2.5 kids, gone through our series of dogs every decade or so.
Nowadays with the economy in the shitter and good, stable jobs not all that easy to come by you can see Americans in their boring way looking straight to their old Uncle Sam for help. Extend my unemployment, craft hugely expensive legislation to create a job for me, pass another health care reform so that I don't have to do anything for myself.
Its all so terribly boring.
Gone are the days when things were left to be discovered, to be conquered, to be done. Even our jobs are becoming the most mind numbing/boring things that could possibly be imagined. We've gone from an economy where things were manufactured or produced, to an economy based on service jobs. I would think (of course I don't know, because by the time I reached working age manufacturing was almost dead) that taking raw materials and then applying whatever process and turning them into something useful would be a pretty good way to spend a day. Making something.
Whereas now, there are more waiters than auto workers.
Life should have rights of passage. Mine have been simple, basic training, college, marriage, divorce, combat, and the stunning realization that unless I do something about it the rest of my life (with little deviation) will be the same day in and day out for the next 30 years. Pretty boring if you ask me.
And that boredom is a situation I shall have to remedy. But how?
I think about that quote from Mr. Palahniuk all the time. What if its not God that kills us when we get bored? What if its our spirit that dies when you take away the goals? Or the rites of passage? Or maybe God does just zap us when he tires of watching us.
I don't know. But I wonder if other soldiers/sailors/airmen/marines have the same issue with home as I do. Is this or is this not some of the most God awful boring shit you have ever had to deal with after spending your time over there?
I spoke a while back about how the volume had been turned down on life by the war. Well all I can wish for now is that I can find something...anything that could turn the volume back up.
Grip on reality slipping...
Later,
I love you Mom...
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One of my daughter's favorite lines is "only boring people get bored." She spends a fair amount of time looking for adventure and manages to bring joy to most any situation - I think that is the trick. By the way, you can meet her on my blog or hers. Her blog is full of her adventures.
ReplyDeleteWell Bag, that does not bode well for me. If your daughter is right then I am incredibly boring!
ReplyDeleteMud Puppy,
ReplyDeleteI'd have to say that you are probably experiencing symptoms of PTSD. The things you enjoyed doing prior to experiencing combat--no longer interest you. You are bored, etc. You have more than likely changed more than you would have like to have changed. Let me ask you a question. Do you or have you experienced anxiety? Examples would be, walking around your yard picking shit up just to be picking shit up, pacing around the house, not being able to watch a movie without getting up several times for meaningless bullshit, etc., etc. Chances are you would probably answer yes. You have probably developed some form of anxiety that is based on PTSD. You may already know this or don't think you have it or just think what the fuck--life is fucked up and it is filled with a bunch of weirdos and retards. I don't know, but that's how I think these days. Furthermore, you have probably become irritable, or, at least probably more irritable than you have ever been before your time in Asscrackistan, ie., punched the dog or something else stupid when you snapped out for a second. You have just experienced some of the most intense and anxiety driven life experiences than most people can ever dream of, let alone be a part of it. One example would be when you posted that your "balls rattled" or something to that effect from a rocket attack (intense anxiety--Elizabeth, this could be the big one). Life is filled with change and you will get readjusted in due time. Don't sweat. Feelings are the key here, and most likely you are emotionally detached--most of us men are from the get go, let alone experiencing life in a combat zone, especially being around a bunch of "fuck-stick-haters" and "idiots."
Hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing or psychoanalyzing or anything like that because I do not mean to be read like that. I remember you. You were one good dude. I always liked you; and now I have enjoyed reading you blogs. Very interesting. I like your style of writing. It reminds me a lot of how I write.
When those rockets hit in Salerno, that was straight up, fucked-up- shit. If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, you-da-man. That, in and of itself, will give a person some degree of PTSD. The first rocket that hit somewhere near me, and the bunker I was in didn't rattle my balls (I was standing), but they sure did rattle my ear drums. Don't know how close it was, but it was close enough to rattle the insides of my ears. Glad that shit is over! Especially all the gayness that accompanied all the fucked up shit---the IED's, long, never ending convoy from Waza Fag to Kush to Sharana, etc. Good luck brother, don't sweat the petty, pet the sweaty...
I get what you are saying... We have become such an 'automated' society, we lack creativity-meaning we are not thinking. When we don't think, our minds are to be wasted on nonsensical, meaningless crap.
ReplyDeleteI suffer from PPS (Peter Pan Syndrome). I will never grow up. My inner child is alive and full of wonder. I get up every morning and go to work in a garden center; among living things, bright colors and chatty people. One minute I'm planting flowers, the next minute I'm creating a spreadsheet on Excel, I then am loading some Yuppy's car with shrubs he just purchased (had one guy aske me if I thought he was a cad).
Your VirtuaMom will tell you, life is all about diversity. Keep your mind busy (in a positive manner), keep your hands busy (ditto to above), do for others and you will never become bored or boring.
The economy is in sad shape. America is sad right now. We recently held a job fair...we hired only 7 people. You know why? People are far more comfy going to their mailbox for their unemployment check, rather than getting up in the morning and performing labor. Who wants to load mulch and feel exhausted at the end of the day anymore? Sad. Think of how hard previous generations toiled. Do people today even know what a callous on their hand looks like? Such sadness.
In the words of a very wise guy...You'll be just fine!
~AM
Boring is good sometimes, honest. Nothing will ever compare to the alive feeling of being downrange but it takes awhile to decompress, years for some guys. & it's ok really to do absolutely nothing for a coupla hours, contemplate your navel even. Life can't be 100 mph all the time, otherwise our brains would burn out. Take up hiking, surfing, knitting even [kidding about the knitting] but don't worry if the rush/high isn't there anymore. It'll be there when it's ready. & any job if it's done well is honorable no matter how insignificant.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that man can get boring to God.Besides we do enough killing for him.
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