Why Am I Always Stuck..Or Am I A Fraud....

I've been wondering why I always feel stuck. This has been a recurring theme with me over the years. I mean, I never quite feel like I'm progressing towards my goals the way I should be, or at the speed that I feel I should be.

Does anyone? Yes, I'm certain of it. There's a small subset of people out there who get up each morning and do the things that they want to do and get the things done that they need to get done and move forward in their lives at a formidable pace. They have to be out there...I know because I'm typing this on a computer hooked to the internet through a VPN that is pretending my computer is in Sydney, Australia. I mean if that's not proof enough I don't know what is.

So, they exist. We know this. All human progress has rested on their very capable shoulders. Now here I am thinking that I don't belong where I'm at and that I have no business being who I am and doing what I do. By that I mean, I have what some might call a fraud issue. I keep thinking that I'm a fraud. I suppose at some level I know that I'm not. I mean I put in the time to get where I am. I did the work. I learned what I needed to learn. But there's always this nagging feeling inside that I don't belong. That something is going to come up that shows everyone around me that I am not good enough for this. That they made a mistake elevating me to this position. I don't have the goods to bring home the bacon.

I'm a father. I'm a veteran. I'm an educated man. Partially anyway. I've made it to a point at work where I'm listened to. My opinion is respected. My words are heeded. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why anyone would listen to me for anything at all...

I suppose that's where my fraud trouble comes in. I cannot understand how I got here. I sometimes think that its all a joke. That Drew Carey is going to walk around the corner and I'll find out that I've been a really bad reality TV show for the past 12 years. Hell, the past 41 years.

But we all know that's bullshit. Not to say that you can't make it being a fraud, I mean what's the guy's name from "Catch Me If You Can"? That son of a bitch faked his way through almost everything. So its not like it can't be done, but I do know that I'm not smart enough to have faked it. Not for this long anyway.

Like so many of us, I think I run into my issues when I start comparing myself to the few instead of either not comparing myself to anyone but my former self, or at least comparing myself to the unwashed masses as opposed to the small sliver of exceptional people who are the subject of my comparisons.

So and so graduated from Harvard at 11, I can barely find Harvard on a map. So and so was the worlds youngest billionaire, I can barely keep my checking account in the black. So and so won the olympic whatever the fuck, and I get winded running up the stairs.

Maybe I should be happy I graduated from a college. Maybe not one that is known the world over, but it had books and professors. Maybe I should be happy I've got an income. I may not have bankers throwing hookers through my bedroom window for business, but when I need something I can get it. I won't win any Olympic medals in this lifetime, but maybe I should be happy that my legs work to get my fat ass up the stairs in the first place, and be glad I'm winded as opposed to all those poor bastards who have breathed their last wind.

Like so much, its all a matter of perspective....