They Said It Better Than I Ever Could...

These words that I write, they keep me from total insanity. -Charles Bukowski

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Jun 12, 2009

Remember The 100 Ways...

Do you? Remember that I was working on a list of 100 ways that you know you are in AssCrackIstan.

Well, I am only about half way through the list and we are almost out of here. I think I may have to cut it down to 50 just because I am flippin lazy.

But I figured I would share with you what I've got so far.

So here goes...

100 Ways To Know You Are In Afghanistan

-You smoke to improve the quality of your dust.
-Your hummer’s heat works in the summertime and the air conditioner works in the winter. But never the other way around.
-You put 25 miles on your humvee within 1 kilometer of the FOB
-You have had an 8-year-old bum a cigarette.
-Roads on your maps are really wadis.
-If you have ever had a donkey bring your vehicle to a screeching halt.
-You ever met a kid who wanted your pens more than he wanted your candy.
-You have ever seen a man with no pants chasing a donkey with a leash on.
-You have ever seen a grown man punch a goat.
-If a child has ever showed you his "equipment" when you didn't give him candy.
-You know what "WADAREGA" means.
-You know what "man love" Thursday is.
-You know how to tell if someone is "available" for "man love" Thursday.
-If you have ever been driving along, the front end of your truck is blown off by an IED and you check for your balls FIRST!
-You keep high explosives next to your jelly in the refrigerator.
-You know an officer, rank notwithstanding, who could not tell you which way was north unless he was looking at his BFT.
-You ever chased a “cock” around the FOB because the ANP’s managed to let their dinner loose.
-You know why one side of the rock is painted white, and the other is painted red.
-Piles of rocks make you nervous.
-You have ever wondered who thought it would be a good idea to walk around carrying weapons, but no bullets.
-You have ever wondered why the air is not flyable when there is like three drops of rain, but is perfectly flyable when there is a sandstorm.
-You keep track of how much longer you have to be in this God forsaken country by the number of paychecks, or steak and lobster or shrimp dinners you have left.
-You know why Combat Action Badges are bullshit.
-You know more than three alternate definitions of the acronym, ISAF. (I Saw America Fight, I Slaughter Afghani Families, I Sat Around The FOB)
-You have ever seen a child with no arms due to the fact that he was playing with an IED.
-You have ever seen an AK-47 with “Hello Kitty” stickers on it.
-You can say that you have slung some baby batter in a tower while you were supposed to be guarding the FOB.
-You have ever watched an ANA soldier jump out of a truck, run up, and kick over something that five minutes ago you thought was an IED.
-You have masturbated so many times that your penis has a headache!
-The December issue of Maxim is more common reading material than the Bible.
-You’ve been bored enough on a mission to wonder what a MK-19 round would do to a herd of goats.
-During a MK-19 test fire you have hoped that there is no village behind that mountain you inadvertently just shot over.
-You know which weapon is best lubricated with motor oil.
-You know which weapon you use transmission fluid on.
-You have ever almost been in a fist fight for making a 21 minute phone call.
-You have ever had a conversation that consisted entirely of profanity except for the occasional “it” and “the”.
-You have played the game, “Gay Chicken” while completely sober.
-You have ever duct taped a girl into the fetal position and dropped her off at your platoon daddy’s door like a bag of burning shit.
-You know what RCP stands for.
-You have downloaded and/or copied enough movies from your friends hard drives to land you in Federal Prison for over 500 years.
-You have ever showed up for a space-A flight over 18 and a half hours in advance.
-You began your time in Afghanistan with 15 gigabytes of music, you now have over 100.
-You understand why it is necessary to have over 50 gigabytes of pornography in MP4 format.
-You know why there is a bridge in BAF called, “Tuna Bridge”
-People are so bored that if you spend more than 5 minutes with any one female, she becomes your own personal “desert rose”
-You know what a “desert rose” is.
-You know what “deployment goggles” are.
-A rocket attack won't even get you out of bed.
-During a mortar attack on the FOB, you take an Arizona Ice Tea and a Maxim magazine to the bunker, but you leave all your body armor.

-You have been bored enough in a war zone to sit down and come up with 100 Ways to Know You Are In Afghanistan, lists.

Any questions?


I love you Mom...


  1. Some questions, and a few laughs. Some of these will definitely need explaining.
    Stay safe, Mud Puppy!!

  2. Imagine if you were so bored you actually could place them in numerical order????
    Things that make you go hmmmmm.....
    What would #1 be?

  3. Those brought tears to my eyes from laughter!

  4. It's a little scary when you think I know what you're talking about. Wonderful reading. Thanks again.

  5. I am glad you are coming home soon. Take care MP.