To Be Opened In The Event of My Death.

Guess what I have to do? I have to make out a will. God does this suck. I am not going to say this is the hardest thing in the world, but it definitely ranks pretty high up there. Dealing with my own mortality is not an easy thing to do. Try wrapping your brain around the idea that tomorrow you may no longer exist.

Its a mind-fuck isn't it? Well I have been told that I have to have a Last Will and Testament filled out by this week to turn in to the US Army so that they have it on file in the event of my premature demise. The Army is such an incredible pain in the ass. If there is one thing you don't want to think about as you head off to a war zone is death. Especially your own death.

So I figured along with the will, which is kind of humorous to me because it basically divides up all your worldly goods between your family and friends. So basically, its like an after death popularity contest. I can just see it, my mom laughing at my brother and yelling, "See he loved me more, I got 60% of his life insurance policy and you only got 40%. " (I'm kidding, my mother would never do something like that.) In addition it makes me laugh because the way that most of these things are worded make it sound like you actually had a pot to piss in. Which I, obviously, do not. And even more ironic than that is the fact that in death I would be worth somewhere around a half a million bucks to one or two lucky winners. I have never in my life had more than $6,000 in the bank, and that was the day that my student loan check was deposited and before I had paid the school for the semester. Interesting. They say you can't put a price on a human life. I beg to differ, the Army has clearly stated that if I pay X amount of dollars every month my life is worth $400,000.

So anyways, what do I want to happen after my death? Does anyone really believe that I care? I'm dead. I am going to use a worn out cliche here, but the only thing that would really mean anything to me is that the people that I love be happy. That is why I am asking that a party be held in my honor after they put my dead ass in the ground. No mourning, no crying, no heartfelt sentiments on what a wonderful person I was (complete bullshit), Nothing but Naked women and beer. (Invoking Hank Williams Jr.) The only thing that I do want is a traditional and proper military funeral with the playing of taps and the flag and the 21 gun salute and all that shit. Somebody find a horse, a pair of boots and a guy in uniform and let's start burying people. However, after I am buried don't cover me up. Just wait until everyone leaves to go to the party and have some Mexican pull my ass out of the ground and throw me onto a bonfire and fire me up. Turn me into ashes man. I mean even the bible said, "Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust" All I want is for the process to be sped up a little bit.

Besides, I think that cemeteries are bullshit. I mean really, we are wasting God only knows how much land planting dead people in the ground. I mean they are great fertilizer and the grass in them places usually looks phenomenal, but for Christ sake they're dead. They don't care about being put in some hole with a nice little stone on it so that their loved ones, who never come around anyways can have someplace to put a bunch of flowers a couple of times a year. That's just me, maybe I am wrong. I just find it hard to believe that having a burial plot in a cemetery contributes to your memory lasting for eternity. Hell, one generation after your planted nobody really knows you're there anyways.

A lot of soldiers write death letters. You know letters they hand off to someone to hold for them that are to be mailed to the mothers, or wives or whoever in the event of their death. Letters that have "Open In The Event Of My Death" scrawled on the front of them. Jesus Mary and Joseph and all the saints, has that got to be a hard letter to write. What the hell do you say?

"Hi Mom, Sorry but if you're reading this I am dead, that has got to suck for you. But don't worry about it, I could care less... I'm dead. Love & Kisses."

Alright, I'll admit that I am being just a bit cavalier about something as profound as death, but how the hell am I supposed to think about it. I mean, I have been conditioned to deal with the deaths of other people. That's easy, you just show up keep your head bowed, and your eyes toward the ground, wear black, and if you liked them enough maybe you can conjure up some tears. Then tell their family what a wonderful person they are, and that they will be missed and then go home and rub one out. If I were going to write a death letter I guess I would have to go with something like this...

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

Hi Everyone, I hope you are all fine. As for me, if you are reading this, I am not fine. In all actuality, I am doing quite well. No more bills, no more work, no more taxes, and no more war. But there is also the small little issue of no more me. I would tell you to not feel bad, but that just seems like such a cliche that I would want to kill myself, but I can't do that either because I am already dead. I am sorry for all the shit I pulled during my lifetime, some of it anyways. I wish I could be there with you and comfort you, but if I was there you wouldn't need comforting so...well whatever.

Please, remember me. That is all I could really ask for. Remember the smiles, remember the good times. Forget all the bullshit (that part will be hard). Tell all the stories about the funny things that I did, like dancing on a bar to a Tom Jones tune after drinking too much rum, or singing "Purple Rain" in the basement of the VFW, or humping a blow up doll on the hood of Kenny's truck, or...well you get the idea. I want all of you, even the children, to get drunk (and use the money from my insurance so that the bar is open) and drink until the sun comes up. Then sleep it off and get on with your life. I don't need monuments or grave stones, or any tangible evidence that I was ever here in the first place. Just every so often when a little bit of quiet time hits you, think of me, and when you think of me...I hope you smile.

Sincerely,

The dead guy.