So I've got another appointment with the VA head shrinker tomorrow.
I've identified my entire problem.
Lazy, listless, unmotivated, apathetic, careless, comatose, indolent, inert, indifferent, lackadaisical, lethargic, passive, procrastinating, torpid, trifling, un-energetic, un-industrious.
I have yet to master the mystic art of getting off my ass.
I've been telling myself that I'm going to get moving all this week...tomorrow.
Everyday its the same shit, I'm going to get up and do this, and that, and then go to class, and then to work, and then I'll hit the gym and...
Then I get up, look at the clock and hit snooze until I absolutely have to go to class, then I drag myself out of bed kicking and screaming, go to class, barely stay awake, and then go to work. Which consists of me staring at a wall for 8 hours. Followed by me saying to myself, alright bud go to the gym. Then I drive home and write about how lazy I am.
This is the definition of insanity. Or at least stupidity.
I'm losing it. I don't know what's going on. This is easily the strangest ailment that I've ever had. Something in my brain just doesn't want to let me get up and get moving. I've got things to do, I've go a life to live.
Waistline steadily expanding, depression gripping tight, outlook dimming, its all so slow.
Nothing can get me hyped up anymore. Everything is so ordinary and uninspiring.
Maybe another deployment would snap me out of this shit.
I know this, somethings gotta give. Somethings gotta change. Somethings gotta happen. Otherwise I am going to go completely out of my mind.
Getting off my ass is truly a mystic art for me.
The shrink said a lot of things, but he thinks that we may have to try a different approach. Whereas some people can think their way through things that's most likely not going to work with me. If I could think my way through this then I would've done that already. I'm smart enough, and I've got enough mechanisms for self reflection (this blog) to have figured it out on my own. He thinks that I am probably going to have to "work" my way through it. Meaning, do things. Force myself to "DO" things. The things that I want to get done of course. Now how the hell do I accomplish that.
Now one thing that the shrink told me that stuck out in my head is that you have to be accountable. Accountable to something or to someone. Now I'd like to know, since I've already proven that I can't be accountable to myself. Do you think it would work if I were accountable to you? All of you that read this shit.
Just a thought, and an opportunity to chew my ass when I don't do what I'm supposed to. 100% honesty assured. It wouldn't do any good to do it any other way.
Later,
I love you Mom...
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Like I said in my last post, I joined a lodge of Freemasons. Immediately upon starting the process you start to learn things. A lot of diff...
start small. Pick one day of the week you are gonna go to the gym and see if you can do that for a few weeks. Remind yourself that we never want to go to the gym, (except for those annoying people), but you know you will feel better afterwards. When you get there 30 mins of something. Baby steps my friend. xo
ReplyDeleteThe computer is my downfall and distraction that keeps me from doing things I say I'm gonna do, but maybe being accountable to cyber-friends would be good for you. Don't just go to the gym, but join a class, make friends - where people ask why you weren't there if you miss. There is one guy in my body sculpting class and he is a favorite with all us ladies - just sayin.
ReplyDeleteDude, I'm the king of procrastination and the president of our chapter. I'll invite you to our next meeting. We'll be having one soon.
ReplyDeleteBaby steps mud puppy. Walk 1 block, next day 2 blocks, next 3 blocks. RX helped me with my clinical depression. Write down things you used to enjoy, things you want to do. Do things for others less fortunate. Volunteer. Write your goals, wishes, dreams down. Post it on the refrigerator. You have a lot to give others. Your words of wisdom, your experience, your love. Be kind to yourself; you have been through the suck. We got your back. Love to you cyber friend.
ReplyDeleteI think you can be accountable to "all of us". Your honesty would never be in question. go for it. What's your plan?
ReplyDelete-marian
Dear MP,
ReplyDeleteKnow the feeling. After reading the back log of posts you have written and I have just recently come out of my own fog long enough to discover, all I can say is, "Yeah, I get that totally!" "I don't know what that is that MP has, but I have it too."
I wish I had the answers. I used to think I did. Not so much anymore. Thinking of you MP, praying for you to find your way on this journey. Keep searching, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Those who have been before tell me it will get "different" and maybe even better one day. There will be a light in the darkness that will reach your heart, your soul and you will find the reason to keep caring, keep giving, keep loving, and keep living, in this crazy world. Take good care of you MP, with fond regard, Diane
Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice
It looks as though you have already figured out which direction you must go, so that's a good start!
ReplyDeleteI concur with all the above comments...MOVE! VirtuaMom suggests a pedometer. Yep. clip it on your pants and start walking. Set a goal of 2,000 steps in a day. Then raise that goal when you see 2,000 steps really isn't all that much. I have actually walked circles in my kitchen to make my goal of 10k steps a day. On busy days at work, I have walked 24k steps in one day (there's a challenge for you!)
Just move! It's the key to it all. It's the key to both physical and mental health.
I'll be *watching* :)
~AM