There Comes A Time...

When you just got to let it go. There's no real sense in hanging on to it. Whatever it is. In my case, its my ridiculous idea that my family could ever be normal. Quote, unquote. Now I'm not talking in the cliche sense that some people have of "why would you want to be normal?" That sort of shit.

I'm talking about just seeing the world in a way that makes sense to me currently. Not something that I have to work at, or learn new things for, or possibly do things that normally I wouldn't do. I don't want to have to read books and be in therapy to get my brain wrapped around the situation in which I currently find myself.

Its time for me to let that shit go. Its time for me to let this guy that I've become go. For fucks sake I haven't felt like myself in years. I'm walking around not knowing who the fuck I am or where the fuck to go. Because I'm clinging ever so tightly to something that is just a figment of my imagination, a ghost if you will.

Now how does one let go of something that has come to define them? I didn't want it to define me. There was a time when I was light. There was a time when I could float. There was a time when life did not weigh on my brow. There was a time when my hair wasn't white. For fucks sake, I'm 41 and my hair is fucking white. Part of that is bad genes, but the other part is worry.

My entire body is falling apart. I can barely get up the stairs. I'm winded when I do. I am shaving years off my life and its the only one that I know for sure I get.

I have to get out from under this weight. I have to find my way back...nay...out from under this weight.