How Hard Is Too Hard...

I'm not sure that my fragile, alpha, american male ego can handle an open marriage. I've been reading a lot of shit about it and I'm starting to believe more and more that her bringing up the open marriage was her beginning to end it.

She says that she never thought for a second that I'd be opposed to an open marriage. I mean how could I not like the idea of fucking whoever I want, whenever I want. Except that's not the way it happens in real life.

It makes me physically ill to think of my wife with another man. Today's day and age would like me to believe that I'm the freak. How could I think that I own her.

I don't think that's true. I've got to take my lumps because I've cheated. She found out. And we made it through. I also firmly believe that part of this is the fact that she feels resentment that I got to play around and she never has. I can understand that. Its not unreasonable.

Now she wants to get into some D/s relationship and wants to go off on all these sexual adventures, swinging, and whatever else we can find to get into. However, the deal is, was and will always be that we have sex with other people, independent of the other partner.

Now here's the rub. Any other woman in my life says something to me like this and I'd like to say that I would not have bloodied her lip, but I'm not sure that's true. But one thing I know for sure is that relationship would have ended the second that shit made it past her fucking lips.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, she's been consistent. Never once has she waivered from her point of view. She wants this and we are working toward that. Now I am considering freeing her up completely to do whatever the hell she wants. If she's single there's certainly no one to worry about prior to banging whoever...

If I do mention this to her, I'll say something like, "I'm thinking of ending this" to which I hope for a response of "No, absolutely not, I love you. We can fix this, I will do or not do whatever I have to" but I anticipate a response of, "If that's what you want I won't stand in your way."

Which to me means one thing, she's wanted me to end this the entire time so that she's relieved of all guilt and culpability for this. She wants to be able to hold the moral highground and tell our kids someday that your father left me, I didn't leave him. And if that's what's going on in her head, why the hell would I want to stay married to her anyway?

Its a hard decision, its definitely not a certainty. I don't know how hard its all going to be, and I haven't figured out yet how hard is too hard...