Hold Your Tongue...

Kinda been a theme in my life that I run off at the mouth quickly and without a whole lot of thought. Its just what I do. Its what I've always done. In some cases it has served me well, in others, not so much.

Here in my marriage it has not served me well at all, to the point that it has led us to the brink of divorce. I'm fairly certain we are just about there. She seems to think that sending me off to Pennsylvania and keeping herself and my children in Michigan is nothing more than a speed bump. I tend to think a little differently.

I most likely deserve this shit. I won't even try to say that I didn't have this coming. I made my bed...she said don't take me to another place like fucking Mayberry and I did. So such is life. What else can I say, the past is done, we can only deal with the going forward part of this whole thing.

So she's got a job. She's looking for an apartment. I'm moving to PA come July 11 and that as they say is that. I'll be staying in a house in Scranton for the first few months, then I'll find an apartment or maybe a cheap house and settle in for the 18 months to 2 years that I hope is all this separation takes. In the meantime, we'll both be doing whatever it is people do when they're separated, which is to say horrible things that neither one of us will want to cop to after this is all over.

But basically, through all of this the one thing that keeps jumping out at me is my impulsiveness is what continually ruins everything for me. I can't keep my shit wired tight for nothing. Whatever bullshit comes to mind that will make me feel better right at that moment is what comes shooting out of my filthy sewer. Which obviously is about as useful as a football bat.

How the fuck will I ever learn to hold my tongue? How will I learn to play chess instead of checkers? How will I learn how to not be such a woman about all of this shit? So far, I've failed miserably at all of these tests. But I've still got some time to make it right, and I've got the separation to control myself and accomplish some fucking goals. I mean how many men are gifted a couple years of basically being single again during their marriages? Then again, this is not voluntary so it doesn't take much of the sting out.

Either way, impulsiveness has got to go. Tongue, has got to be held. No choice. It is what it is.