What Things Are Truly Under My Control...

Not a whole helluva lot really. There's a few things to be sure, but all in all if you really take a deep, hard look at life there isn't a whole lot of things that are under your control.

Other people: forget it. You've got a better chance of reversing the flow of blood in your veins than you do of controlling other people. Not to mention, if you try, they'll simply do whatever they can to make your life difficult.

Politics, I'm pretty sure that the politicians have no clue what the hell is going on, much less how to control it.

The weather, good luck with that. I'm pretty sure that every place on earth says the exact same thing about the weather in their locale. If you don't like it, wait 10 minutes, it'll change.

The only thing you can control is your mind. Your reactions. How things affect you. Do they knock you off your track, or do they not even register? What else can you control? Your actions. Sure you can control your actions, but then the world gets to react to your actions, and you can react to those actions and on and on. So who is really driving that bus?

Your attitude and your reactions. Your thoughts and emotions. These are the only things I can think of that I can control. Now, can I do it? I certainly think so, but I'm not arrogant enough to claim that I have complete dominion over my mind. How can I make it so?

How DId I Get Here...

Supposed to keep thought records. I like having something to do. Makes me feel useful, or at least like I'm actively participating in my own reconstruction.

How have I been thinking this week. This week things have made me laugh. A woman matched with me on bumble. I wasn't actively looking but I must've swiped her a while ago. She was cute, fun to talk to, and had a great rack.

So I pursued. I know its wrong. But it kept me busy while the wife was ill. For like the 900th time this month. Anyway, she found out I've got 2 little kids and she was gone. Poof.

I found that hilarious. I'm learning all sorts of fun stuff. Like women are just as shallow and selfish as dudes. Okay, it stung a bit, but it was also funny. Not to mention if I took seriously all the times I've been stung I wouldn't be doing much but whining.

Okay, other than that I'm dealing with her illness. Stomach problem, only real symptom is pain and a lot of sleep. So as far as I can tell there's no real advantage to her and that being the case she must be telling the truth. (How's that for some paranoia)

And, the big one just threw up all over the place. So that's dominating my thoughts now. So this is done. LOL

How Does One Take Control...

I've been reading a whole lot of crazy shit lately. I've been reading about the manosphere, which is a real thing. I've been reading about hypergamy, which is a females tendency to discard a mate when a better one comes along. I've been reading about alpha males, which I'm not entirely sure is a real thing.

Now needless to say, these are pretty biased opinions and points of view for me to be reading while I'm in the middle of a life altering situation with my wife. So could I be sabotaging myself and us. I absolutely could be. I don't think so but its possible.

I've got two different slants on the whole thing. 1. Game on, all the pussy you could get. 2. Bounce, she's just opening the door so she can look for something better guilt free.

I have a tendency...nay a full blow pathology, where I will always think the worst of people and when it comes to my wife that can get me into trouble. Mostly because I'm rarely right. Most people will always do whatever benefits them the most. The only thing you have to figure out is if they are thinking short, medium or long term. What are their goals. That's the trick is figuring that out. Once you do you can make accurate assumptions about their actions.

Without that you run into pretty simple problems, like the fact that what is good in the short term is probably not good for the medium or long term and any other combination thereof. So, they're thinking long term and you act on the assumption of short term thinking and you lose.

Losing is exactly what you want to avoid. Let's get Steven Covey in here. Let's think win/win.

She wins, and so do I. The kids win, the family wins. Hell even the dogs win. Is there somehow this could look that would deliver that kind of a situation?

That's next in line to figure out.

Hypergamy....

The internet is a wealth of words that I've never given a second thought to, until now. Hypergamy is the theory that women will, for the most part, always go for the highest status mate they can find.

They will always be with the highest status male they can acquire. If they increase in social status or standing, they will discard their current mate for a socially superior one. If you think that's not true then you're not paying attention.

Why else do men do what they do? Competition, fitness, ambition, chasing wealth, all the things that men do to separate themselves from other men is for one thing and one thing only...PUSSY.

That is the great motivator of our time. Its not food or water or survival. We've got that knocked. Even the lowest status men can live a life, albeit a shit life but they aren't going to be killed for food. So at least we've got that going for us.

Now how does hypergamy play into my life? I'm not 100% sure just yet. I've got a lot going for me and I've got a lot of good things happening in the future. Plus, she's got quite a bit of time and effort invested in me. That being said, its not impossible that she'll find someone better.

I'm not that vain and arrogant. Now, will hypergamy play a part in the demise of my relationship or will she prove me wrong. I'm certainly hoping that she proves me wrong.

In any case, its a simple fact men. Constant improvement. Fitness, financial, mental, spriritual. always be making yourself worth more. Always be getting better. Dress better. Act better. speak better. Everything better. Always, every minute of the day be improving.

That way, it'll be you who trades her in for a better mate, while she can slide down the rabbit hole of female age. I imagine that might be a bit harsh, but things have been a bit harsh lately.

I Might Be More Inclined...

To accept and even embrace this new arrangement that she wants if I felt that I was dealing with an equal instead of a dependent.

She works longer hours than I do. She makes less than half the money I do. Matter of fact when all is said and done, she doesn't even make a third of what I do. So, due to her hours I also end up with the kids a lot more than she does.

Any alpha males out there who want to call me a bitch have at it. I love her and I love my kids, but it doesn't change the fact that its very hard not to feel like I am getting the short end of the stick.

Therapist after therapist has told me that you shouldn't keep score. You shouldn't be tit for tat in everything in your relationship. I can get on board with that I suppose. I understand that she gave up her career to follow me around the country. So why the fuck would you do that if you wanted some shit like this anyway. Chicago would have been a great place to pursue all the BDSM fantasies you could dream up.

Say what you will, but as far as tit for tat is concerned it comes down to one very simple idea for me. I have provided a life that is comfortable, I have provided a life that is stable. I have provided a life that keeps moving onward and upward. I don't need to apologize for the sacrifices needed to accomplish these things. She knew the score when we started this.

I however, did not know the score when she started this. This got dropped in my lap, kind of out of nowhere. I didn't even get a chance to fix the issues we were having. I got, "okay so here are the issues and these are the things that are wrong with our relationship, and I wanted to be a sub, but not with you, and we're going to open this marriage to other people and experiences."

I'm not going to discuss the pros and cons of an open marriage or polyamory or whatever other terms there are for it, but I did some research on the topic and opinions run the gamut from, what a great way to live, we're so evolved, to you fucking slut whores, if that's what you wanted to do why in the hell did you get married?

But I can say there has been one constant. One opinion that is universal (far as I can tell). No one, not friend of polyamory, nor foe of open marriages, or anyone in between believes that opening a marriage thats in trouble to begin with is a recipe for anything other than a divorce.

Maybe we're the exception. I doubt it, but maybe. In any case, she wants to do a "photo shoot" with a shibari practitioner that she got in touch with online. So that's what she'll be doing Thursday night, while I am home with the midgets. Then I am taking said midgets to Chicago for the weekend so she has her time to decompress of whatever the fuck.

I'm starting to realize that she can't be a sub with me, because I'm already her fucking bitch. Might be time for that shit to change.

How Hard Is Too Hard...

I'm not sure that my fragile, alpha, american male ego can handle an open marriage. I've been reading a lot of shit about it and I'm starting to believe more and more that her bringing up the open marriage was her beginning to end it.

She says that she never thought for a second that I'd be opposed to an open marriage. I mean how could I not like the idea of fucking whoever I want, whenever I want. Except that's not the way it happens in real life.

It makes me physically ill to think of my wife with another man. Today's day and age would like me to believe that I'm the freak. How could I think that I own her.

I don't think that's true. I've got to take my lumps because I've cheated. She found out. And we made it through. I also firmly believe that part of this is the fact that she feels resentment that I got to play around and she never has. I can understand that. Its not unreasonable.

Now she wants to get into some D/s relationship and wants to go off on all these sexual adventures, swinging, and whatever else we can find to get into. However, the deal is, was and will always be that we have sex with other people, independent of the other partner.

Now here's the rub. Any other woman in my life says something to me like this and I'd like to say that I would not have bloodied her lip, but I'm not sure that's true. But one thing I know for sure is that relationship would have ended the second that shit made it past her fucking lips.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, she's been consistent. Never once has she waivered from her point of view. She wants this and we are working toward that. Now I am considering freeing her up completely to do whatever the hell she wants. If she's single there's certainly no one to worry about prior to banging whoever...

If I do mention this to her, I'll say something like, "I'm thinking of ending this" to which I hope for a response of "No, absolutely not, I love you. We can fix this, I will do or not do whatever I have to" but I anticipate a response of, "If that's what you want I won't stand in your way."

Which to me means one thing, she's wanted me to end this the entire time so that she's relieved of all guilt and culpability for this. She wants to be able to hold the moral highground and tell our kids someday that your father left me, I didn't leave him. And if that's what's going on in her head, why the hell would I want to stay married to her anyway?

Its a hard decision, its definitely not a certainty. I don't know how hard its all going to be, and I haven't figured out yet how hard is too hard...

Can We Salvage This...

So she wanted to open the marriage. In her words, in all the ways that mattered, I was her guy. In home, hearth, and all the other shit, I'm a great father and yada yada yada, she wanted to stay together and be married to me. Except she wanted to have sex with other people, without me.

Funny part of that is, I'd have probably been a little more all about it if it had been with me and her and other people.

The only thing that says to me is she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Which always makes me laugh because how she could think I would go for something like that is beyond me. I mean really, let me take care of your kids, work my butt off to make sure you've got your nice upper middle class life and just sit back, relax and not worry about it while half of Toledo runs a train on my wife.

Yeah, that's not going to be a thing. Now the problem is this, I can't get the fact that this is what she wants out of my head. I've been trying to be more affectionate. I've been trying to be more attentive. Which to be fair, I think has been working. But here's the rub, now every time she isn't home when I expect her, my brain immediately flys to cheating. If she wants to go somewhere out of the blue, she's cheating. Basically, anything out of the ordinary, she's cheating.

Now she wants to go to some cross fit body transformation thing, and the first meeting or whatever is tomorrow. I suppose that's a good choice if you're going to cheat. If you come home red faced, sweaty and beat up you've got an excuse already.